pause

While I'm figuring out how to reconfigure the blog, I'm taking a break. Laters.

the hard part is over

I officially resigned at work today. It was really difficult. I told both teams and it was emotional each time. I found myself tearing up a few times. It was oddly difficult when I was telling the only other black person who works for the team. I only just met her a couple of months ago. I did hear some great ego boosting stuff but I know how people usually say things like that when you leave. They also weren't shy about discussing the annoyance of finding someone new. C'est la vie.

I still don't know what to do with this blog now since it was dedicated to a way of life that is not going to happen. I'll have to go back to the drawing board. Speaking of, I'm working on plans for the hubs' birthday. I've got some things up my sleeve that I can't openly mention due to his nosiness.

Since we're strongly considering becoming homeowners, I've upped my HGTV intake. It's just hilarious how much home a certain amount gets you in the different areas of this country. I've got a House Hunters episode on set in San Francisco. The couple has $450k and they're excited over a 600 sq ft 1 bed/1 bath w/a shared yard area. I love that city but I wish I would!!

I have a lot of remodeling in store, right? Job, house, blog...

a sum total of everything

well i took almost a week to digest the new course my life is going to take and things are looking up. i've given myself a few projects. i'm still attempting to see all the Oscar nominated films/performances, i'm working on a start date for the new job, i'm entertaining the notion of becoming a home owner and the search for new and fun physical activities continues. all in all, not too shabby.

i gotta write up some reviews soon and then completely redo this blog.

the end

we've beaten the bush and been around the mulberry tree, ashes to ashes we all fall down.

i'm not proud of myself but i pushed and pushed him until i got what i knew has been there all along: he doesn't want to be a lawyer. he doesn't actually want to go to law school. he, like many of us i believe, found himself really unhappy and not sure what else to do. sounds like what's up with most of the people currently in law school.

i am so full of emotion but the presiding one is peace. just...thank God i didn't move to Toledo, Ohio for no reason! to be honest, another one is a dose of bitterness. i am a little mad at the roller coaster ride i've been on for six months. on the other hand, i cannot dare to imagine my life with an unhappy lawyer because with an unhappy social worker - damn! it hasn't been puppies and rainbows. as a ha ha from God- he got accepted to Cleveland State today. yay.

i'm so wiped i can't write much more than that. i'll be back...

There are counselors for this

had the "BIG CONVERSATION" last night. we're both mopey because (even more than ever) the reality of this situation hit hardcore.

the opportunity to go to law school, to graduate as a lawyer and seek employment as a lawyer who is not employed in a big corporate firm, without any law school debt is just too much to pass up. we're moving to toledo, ohio.

my sister gave me some good perspective: "it's just three years". i hear you loud and clear heather, loud and clear.

the only head-scratching-ness is how to execute this. do i leave early and seek a job because the economy is so bad that i get something before he absolutely can't work anymore and we're not both unemployed or do i work as long as possible here to save up money so that when we both move out there - we have some money saved?

the title was serious - i think we may go to a counselor as a sort of mediator/problem solving something...updates to come.

back and forth

i went to san antonio from last friday until late last night so i don't have a whole lot to process. my sister makes me a little sad but her children are great. i got a lot of sweet kisses, funny kid speak and fairly decent mexican food. pictures to come in a different post.

the hubs and i are having our 'BIG DISCUSSION DINNER' tomorrow night. i picked the night he's off because i know it'll drag on.

i'm generally pissy tonight so i'm gonna wrap it up. i am just so done with trying to make a decision. i waffle, i'm scared, i feel ignorant..and wait, oh yeah, i'm a woman and it's the end of the month so i couldn't do the math.
if this were twitter the hash tag would read: whyispmsalwaysasurprisetome?

the final notice(s)

so all info is FINALLY received. it's a relief to have all the numbers. he got about 20% from Seattle. pardon the lingo but that totally sucks, for sure. it super sucks, actually.

I'm currently visiting family out of town and on the way I wrote out four pages stream of conciousness just trying to figure out my feelings about the whole saga.

I don't mean to sound dramatic it's just that I've been offered a job in Portland that may offer me a career path that pays more and is less controversial. a move means starting over. we have awhile to decide. it might be messy.

chock full 'o...everything!

today is one for the books. first off- i got my computer back. free of virus and malware. three trojan horses that ended up in a totally lost hard drive. UGH! this is the third time in five years i've lost a hard drive. apparently the words, back and up mean nothing to me.

the hubs found out he got into Drexel and University of D.C.. The latter is a lowly ranked school but at the time DC sounded like the place to go to learn law. i *think* that was his reasoning. Drexel is "up and coming" but didn't offer enough money. it's in philly and that wouldn've been...challenging to live there on one salary.

after learning all that, i got a call the from the hospital where i applied for an on-call ER job. i got it! go me, go reference givers, go me! i don't know numbers yet. when i do, i can see if it's worth it to possibly leave my current job and just work there full time. decisions, decisions.

so now, i just got home, checked the mailbox and it turns out the hubs got into Willamette. FINAL-FUCKING-LY we have all the info we need. they gave about 50% which is what we reasoned but now that there are actual numbers we can....oh wait, i forgot, there's still Seattle to contend with. that info should be here by monday. after that, then, THEN, we can make decisions. it'll be so nice just to have a decision no matter what.

on a personal reflection note: reheating seafood is never a good idea. i've learned my lesson.

on a truly reflective note: i find it hilarious that when i finally get the job i wanted in portland- well sort of - it turns out i may have to go. i don't know what this all means but i'm sure it's some kind of crossroads-life-is-a-journey-not-a-destination-all-who-wander-are-not-lost sort of thing. i'm just doing what i can. moving on like i tell my clients. making choices that are actually good in the long run and not in the right now. you know, all the stuff you're supposed to harp on as a therapist but is so fleeting in my own life.

martin luther king jr.

I have always loved this quote by Dr. King:

The curse of poverty has no justification in our age.

I had to stop myself today while I was running around at work (yeah, I still had to go in) to really sit and meditate on the meaning of this holiday. I try to do that every year and sometimes I succeed sometimes I don't. Today had a different spin. I think we focus on Dr. King's message about racial equality and rightly so. He also spoke a lot about poverty, however, and it's beyond relevant today in many ways. In light of the global recession, black men having the largest unemployment rate in the country and, of course, the devestation of Haiti's capital all make his words all the more imperative.

In my own life I have seen poverty affect people in horrible ways: women stay with abusive men, children cry themselves to sleep because they're hungry, homelessness, eating out of trash cans, prostitution for rent payments and so on. These were all witnessed just in my personal life in the United States. I've heard and seen in film similarly atrocious things around the world.

My meditation and prayer today, on this day honoring Dr. King, is that I and all who have the capacity to should take those words to heart and act.

#9 & #10

The hubs found out he got into Seattle University and Hamline University (St. Paul). The Seattle one was really a treat- it's close, familiar and has the country's no. 1 writing program which is what he's interested in.

The planning, however, continues to go circular because we still haven't heard from the local school.

In other news, I had a great interview for an on call position w/a hospital. I think I'd be great in an ER. When I'd watch that show, I'd covet the fast paced quick thinking work. I'm supposed to find out the middle of next week.

I wonder what my mind will focus on once this waiting phase is over.

pause

i am tired of typing i'm tired of waiting. i think it's wholly appropriate to take a break today and think about people facing real problems.

NYT coverage of Haiti 

Mercy Corps - Mercy Corps is a great Portland based outreach and relief organization

i can't even imagine.

another bummer today- teddy pendergrass died. Love T.K.O. is one of my top 10 songs of all time. the hubs and i bonded over that while dating. it was one of the songs we first slow danced to. these days are not happy ones for the world.

this and that

i was away for the weekend so i wasn't able to post anything. poor me. there was absolutely no MHIGTLS news last week which i personally found refreshing. we kept any moving/working talking to a minimum though i could see a certain anxious glint in our eyes whenever we checked the mail. that's another fun change in my life with this whole law school thing- the mail. it can never get here fast enough, you know? and the hubs calls to see if anything came and i call him to see if any email (or phone call, yes, they even call admitted students) came. this weekend was a good break from all of that. sometimes just changing your location for 24 hours can do so much good for one's mental health.

speaking of, i felt there was no way 2009 could be topped. it really was my "toys and travel" year. i had a lot of fun. this year, i will be challenged to have the same kind of year i have had before in my life though with less money and still maintain the joy. i'm positive about it.

let the running to the mailbox begin...

waiting

no MHIGTLS news.

personally, the day was so so. I had a training that no one showed up for which is the third in a row like that. I guess that means the people don't care about black people. like Bush.

and it's so hard

the words of big pun still ring true. today was one of those days that's an odd mixture of highs and lows.

started with me throwing a tantrum on the phone. i'm still trying to find a way to make amends for that one. then i had an awesome time with a friend- it'd been too long. then i learned my grandmother has some kind of strange syndrome that, honestly, i can't bear to learn much more about. however, i then met up with a group of women for dinner who are all in my same career field and we've decided to meet monthly and support one another. i like each of them a lot and that was a treat.

bad turn: during the dinner and earlier meeting w/a friend it struck me how much leaving here will suck. i don't mean to use that word "suck" in a juvenile sense. i mean that leaving my friends (again) will require a great amount of strength of self that i'm not calling up too quickly these days. i'll keep doing what i do but i'm glad to have friends who care. i hope they know i care as well.

no MHIGTLS news. waiting on willamette...

longest week ever

i am one all for long, leisurely days but for some reason this week has felt as if it has been dragging on to nowhere. strange.

MHIGTLS news: U of Arkansas emailed him. 40% scholarship. that means that it's now the cheapest law school we would have to pay for. i still don't really know what i consider worse: toledo or little rock. six of one ..seriously.

truth be told i'm at work right now and have absolutely nothing else to say. until later...

New dawn

First day of 2010. I've taken to saying 'twenty ten' in true 21st century verbal laziness.
I've done quite a bit for being only halfway through the first day of the year. Well, not a lot of important stuff but a good amount of business. I woke, read, cleaned, baked, cooked, cleaned and now my friend is  helping me import my old LJ blog into this one. Wish us luck!

WARNING: all entries from 2006-mid 2007 come with a warning because it was written during my relationship with the hubs. I should've been committed - seriously, why didn't my friends run an intervention. Falling in love is seriously a mental illness. You've been warned.

Happy Neeeewwwww..........

(RENTheads will get the title)

No MHIGTLS news. I just want to write before the new year. This will be my fourth New Year's Eve on the west coast and this is the first time it's bothered me that i'm still in one year and most of my family and friends are in another one. it makes my head spin. no, i have not been drinking. alcohol free since 2001. w00t!

anyway, i typically do a run down of the months of the year. i see no need to change.

JANUARY- this was a shitty month. we went to the hub's mom's funeral. the month did progress with a much better tone.

FEBRUARY- the hubs turned a year older. the calm before the storm.

MARCH- we celebrated 2 years o marriage.

APRIL - began the year of travel with a trip to the local long beach, washington. it was a anniversary/Easter trip. we had a visitor stay over. we moved from our one bedroom to a two bedroom in the same building.

MAY- i spent two nights alone in Vancouver, BC. the hubs came and we took a four night cruise to Alaska. the stop was Ketchican- gorgeous little town. great trip.

JUNE - i spent two separate weekends in Manzanita- a cute little Oregon coast town. we also went up to seattle and took the father-in-law to a mariners game. they actually won.

JULY - i spent a week in Georgia. the purpose was to help my sister out with a week's break from taking care of my niece. didn't really happen but i enjoyed seeing them all the same. this is the month the hubs told me he was going to take the LSAT and "we'll see what happens"

AUGUST- most of the month was pretty tame. we went to seattle for a long weekend so the hubs could attend his first writer's conference. then we went to maui, hawai'i. i cannot express how much fun that trip was. i'm going to risk sounding like a melodramatic cornball but i will forever hold that trip in my heart. it was so mellow, so peaceful, so warm and calm. i loved the warmth and bouncing in the ocean. i loved waking up and taking coffee on our patio. i even loved swimming in the hotel pool. plus, i hadn't been that dark in a LONG time. i had a tan for days. all in all, a great, great four days.

SEPTEMBER - i turned another year older. the hubs took the LSAT.

OCTOBER - we started the month on the road. we flew into north carolina and went to my high school reunion. that was really fun. then we spent a night with his brother. cute nieces! then we road tripped it down to atlanta and spent four nights with my mom. my niece was cute but we spent most of our time with my mom- i really enjoyed that. we drove back up and spent a night in charlotte, a city both of us unexpectedly fell for. who knew? rest of the month was fairly chill.

NOVEMBER - last month was a friggin' blur. work became a renewed stress. some serious introspection and meditation on what i need to make some more money in the rest of my life. wow, typing that almost depressed me again. anyway, we celebrated a really chill thanksgiving.

DECEMBER - hell, this month was friggin' blur! on December 4th (remember that Jay-Z song?) we took off for the empire state, speaking of Jay-Z. Anyway, it was a quick trip but good. it always is good. Christmas was cool and quiet. new year's eve is proving to be the exact same. i cleaned the whole house because i have to adhere to the superstition that was drilled into me when i was a kid. my mom always said her mom always said her mom always said: don't bring old dirt into a new year. the other superstitions are having black eyed peas and collards for money and good health in the new year. i don't do those because i don't eat them. maybe next year...

i don't typically do resolutions but i think i'll give myself a few guidelines: 1). keep up with the no land mammals eating 2) keep doing those things i like that get me moving 3). speak more kindly to people especially the hubs 4) choose joy 5) start and maintain a hobby that doesn't include electronics

i think those should just about cover it. i'm actually excited for 2010 since 2009 was so cool i figure why not.

happy new year to us all. hopefully 2010 will rock for us all.

peace!

End of year recap

So here it goes, in order of acceptance date.

1. Michigan State (50% scholarship)
2. Valparaiso (50% scholarship)
3. University of St. Thomas (50% scholarship)
4. Creighton (25% scholarship)
5. CUNY (no $$ but they're cheap)
6. Mercer (60% scholarship)
7. U of Toledo (Complete grant covering tuition, fees and books)
8. University of Arkansas, Little Rock (no $ info yet)

Schools at this point we are desperately waiting to hear from: Willamette U (Oregon) and Seattle U (duh).
Schools I no longer believe matter at this point unless they give whole tuition awards: Drake, ONU, Howard, U of D.C., NCCU, Drexel, Cleveland State, Hamline.
Of those the ones I'm hoping do give UToledo a run because they are far better locations: Willamette, Seattle, Howard

this makes...8?

So I learned via online status checker that he got into the law school at University of Arkansas-Little Rock. we don't know, yet, what kind of financial aid they're offering. i can't imagine they're giving a full ride (based on their history with that). they also have a horrible bar passage rate. i'm also fairly sure that we'd rather (if it came to that *shudder*) live out our lives in Ohio than Arkansas. Ugh.

But, I also said I'd never want to live in Ohio. Funny how that changes.

Learning

No new MHIGTLS news. The same stuff: wondering, reading, researching, etc. Looks like Toledo is gonna be the clear winner. I read up on the other contending schools to see how likely it is that such another generous award will be tossed his way. The answer is not so likely. Truthfully, I'm a bit bummed right now. I'm very happy for him but can't help but wonder about what in the world would it be like to be a Toledoan??

In wondering this, I foolishly turned to that internet bastion of geographic negativity- city data. I've used them to learn all kinds of things, none of them too positive. What I've concluded is that, generally speaking, people who leave comments on the internet are either really happy and need to get it out or they are really upset and need to vent. Neither helps, actually.

In regular old boring stuff news: I didn't do much today. Dragged the husband to an aerobics class this morning as payback for the horrendous training session he put me through last week (my arms *just* recovered). It was mostly step which I hate and feared he'd have a hard time with. The man has rhythm but he thinks to much about moving to music. Anyway, the class leader felt the need to come to me after class and tell me, "You were so good! You have great form- you would have thought you were here just yesterday!" She said all of this because in the beginning of class she simply had to know who we were (common interaction) and learned it was my first step class in ages. Her skepticism and literally telling me to "go ahead and use the lighter weights, you know, since you haven't done this in a long time".  I hate to admit it but I thrive really well when people tell me I can't. In my head I'm thinking: oh yeah! watch this! Anyway, her comment after class just fed that particular monster. Tomorrow, jazzercise, hopefully. Sans husband.