long ass day

there's no other way to describe 10/30/2008. at 130ish am I felt JC get out of bed and figured he was on his way to the toilet. next thing i heard was a whimper and a loud exclamation of pain. i jumped up and found him on the floor writhing in pain. i tend to be hyperbolic but in this case i am not at all. long story short, we were in the sw washington medical center's ER for four hours. turns out he broke his fibula in the fall. all i knew was that his ankle was the size of a grapefruit and i've never seen him so close to tears.

he's got a splint on and cannot put any weight on his leg at all. he's got vicodin and ibuprofen which i was told to push every few hours. he's stationed on the couch and luckily we inherited a tri-level cart that i've placed all his necessities on.

so i was exhausted by running around getting medication, medical supplies and food. then cooking it and cleaning up. i finally crashed around 330 for a few hours. i got up at 6 and made a caffeine run for JC and an ice run aka 'let's make life a little easier for me' run. heh. i'm worried about going to work tomorrow but i've cooked some food and got a cooler that will keep some drinks and snacks cool unti i can get home. i know they'll let me leave early so i'm too concerned. one of his friends volunteered to come over and visit with him but right now he's doing a stubborn man thing. granted, i don't think i'd want any of my friends seeing my urinal - we'll see if i can get him to bend.

he's been a good patient. i can't imagine the pain he's in at times and he's been really good at not yelling. i definitely appreciate it.

it should be a fascinating next few days. he should be getting an orthopedic appointment on monday so that he can get  a proper cast and crutches. that'll free me up and give him that independence i can tell he desperately wants back. i'm worried about how this even happened. there was nothing in his way or anything...he just collapsed. his frequent dizzy spells are why he'd just been to the doctor the day before. my mom gave me some medical jargon to use when we see the ortho and call his PCP.

oh relationships. they come with everything.

nutrisystem week 3

Well, here I am at the end of the third week. I have not noted a lot of change but the new jeans I bought just two months ago are definitely a size too big. I should start measuring my waist. The Wii says that nothing has changed and if anything I've gained. BUT the scale at the OHSU fair thing said I'd lost three pounds. We'll see. I had a break today where I realized that I am ashamed of my life right now. I concurrently realized that I have the power to change this. I'm living the life I've chosen to live. I'm heavy because I' ve chose to go out and eat tons of food almost everyday. I binge, I don't purge and I don't overexercise. The truth is I'm totally scared. I have all the hallmarks of having a thyroid and/or diabetes condition. I am less than eager to go to my first doctor's appointment next month. I want to b e more healthy for Josh but I have a hard time not getting in trouble with food. Right now I have no money so I don't have a choice.

I am praying for the strength to keep with this journey. I had no idea how addicted I've become. God help me please.

nutrisystem week 2

Well, I feel like things are getting a little better. I am able to go through the week but that is likely because i have only strictly followed the diet 2 out of the 5 days this week. I had a lot of gas and used the bathroom frequently. According to the Wii I've been up and down like crazy. But today I went to a health fair and OHSU tells me I weigh 251.4 so that'd be a lost of 4 lbs so far. However, they tell me I'm only 5'8 1/2 and 47% of me is fat. That should be 29% at the most. Unbelievable. But not really. I still have a binging problem that I'm really praying about. Right now as I type I'm thinking of what I can pig out on while I'm alone tomorrow. It's awful. I'm praying God please help me because I am not able to do this alone.

I'm committing to do some king of exercise more than 4x/week now. I pray God's help in making that occur.

'Don't talk, it'll help me understand'

Blindness.  Long story short- blindness suddenly attacks everyone in an unnamed Canadian city. Everyone expect the character played by Julianne Moore. The desinegration of society is swift and cruel. The initially infected are quarantined and turn into something out of Animal Farm or Lord of the Flies. In fact, the story is probably based on exactly on the ideas found in those stories. If you haven't read either (and tsk tsk) synopses can be found here and here.

Julianne Moore, as Mark Ruffalo's wife, goes with him to confinement and acts as a guide and advocate for those on their 'ward'.  I'm sure that the reason for the madness, blindness, is not without its poignancy. This is was one of the most uncomfortable two hours I've ever spent in a theatre. The atrocities that occur during the confinement are revolting and disturbing, to say the least. The ending is...um, predictable but not with the usual tidiness of most films.

It's not feel good, it's not preachy. It asks 'what if' and you will wonder. B

nutrisystem week 1

well i did fine on monday, cheated on tuesday pretty BADLY, did fine on wednesday, cheated on thursday a little badly and finished today with a bit of movie popcorn because i am sick of either overeating or undereating. today i made it w/in my calorie goal as stated on SP and i feel good. i think i may have a thyroid problem though. my hands keep going numb. i can't remember anything. i get so swollen. i'm going to try a laxative tomorrow and then go to the doctor next month for a full work up. i'm a little scared. i'm trying to focus on josh and maria- the people i really love- and get healthy for them. God help me.

i'll also NOT cheat next week and step up the exercise and see what happens. God help me.

"What do YOU mean 'you people'?

Tropic Thunder. 

WARNING -Chock full of spoilers- WARNING

Thankfully the old theatre finally got this movie and so the husband and I headed up the street for what I hoped were a couple of good guffaws.

I definitely got what I wanted. The first thing to know is that this movie is ridiculous. Utterly and completely preposterous and thus is director Ben Stiller's point. I doubt he wants to completely vilify Hollywood but he does...almost. The preaching is so subtle it may appear invisible to many if taken at face value. That, however, was the genius for me. The face value of this movie is still pretty entertaining. The satire was even more satisfying. Most have already seen this or at least heard about the characters so I'll spare you. A pretty good synopsis is found here.

I never thought I would ever say this but Tom Cruise  deserves an Oscar. Seriously. I never thought I'd see him, of all people, 'get low'. Robert Downey Jr. bordered on great- when he could be understood. Oh and the husband asks me to put this in my review: Jack Black was awful.  B-

unsure

i am sitting here alone on the couch watching 'brothers and sisters' - a show i have never seen before in my life. i am doing this because my blood sugar is probably 200. i ate a pan of cookies. i ate corn dogs for goodness sakes. i am not able to understand why i keep eating. i ordered nutrisystem on friday. josh's excitement because of that was encouraging but also very insulting. i am not blind. i know i am fat. i have a front butt and big back butt. i have large boobs and a bit of a double chin. i sometimes forget  all of this but never for long. to see the joy in his eyes at the thought of me losing 55 lbs eventually was saddening. i didn't think it was that bad but it is. i don't understand how i've gained 17 lbs in two months! but of course i do- the burgers, fries, pies, cookies, etc. everything has packed itself onto my stomach. dear God, why!? i pray for help. oh well it's a daily thing. i am afraid for this nutrisystem thing because i can go one of two ways with this - follow it perfectly and lose a bunch of weight and then don't continue OR i will not follow it and gain weight. i would have to just, no i WILL just have to give it all to God. i need to ask for patience, i need to practice gratitude and being happy in the present.

the present is not feeling like a whole lot like a gift. josh is always gone. i mean we see each other as much as we did in atlanta but this going to bed alone 4 nights a week is lame. i either feel like he's a roommate or my desire is off the charts. it's wacky. i just miss him. i love his face and his thoughts and how he speaks. how he'll sound like the most macho misogynist or a little too effiminate. actually i don't like those things it's just who he is. i love who he is. how is it we come to love someone so much? this trade off is not fair. love and security and then one day...gone. i  don't why i think of it so often but i cannot imagine a world without josh in it. i don't want to. i love him so much and i want to be a better person for him. i want to give him so much and if weight is what he wants the most then surely i can give it to him. right? i don't think that will be enough though, will it? God can you speak to me? Can you help me please?

i cannot even think of work right now. i feel i'm not fulfilling some sort of movie-inspired sense of putting right all the wrongs done to african americans in portland. how arrogant! God, after reading this i hope you are laughing and touching me with your light and guiding me along this journey. i feel lost and hopeless and insecure and gassy and fatty. har.

my arms have broken out again. i don't know what that's about either. God please make me healthy for me and my love.
all of them. and may your healing touch all in my heart.

funny

i didn't catch the show last night but i just watched the tina fey reprise as sarah palin on SNL. she's kind of got her down, dontcha think? you can get back to me.