back from the brain dead

man, i have found it really difficult to keep up with my livejournal. i don't even deign to call it a blog. i've not been a writer, ever really, but i like having a place of record.

thankfully, not much is going on lately. i have some sibling drama but i think that will stay as long as i have siblings. i'm feeling brain dead. i haven't done anything really mentally or academically challenging since i first started studying for the LCSW exam. i looked at the different parks  & rec offerings. i've always talked about taking spanish or something creative. now's the time to put up or shut up. god, i hate that expression. i don't know what made me use it. unimportant.

i've also been in a reading binge. in the last month i've read about seven books. some good, some truly brain candy (i love Meg Cabot for that).

truth telling time: i slipped up and had some bread and milk and wow- i can tell the difference in just the feeling in my body. the next day i felt very sluggish, very moody and as if that sandwich and milk added ten lbs to me. lesson learned. so i'm back to no flour, no sugar and slowly feeling better.

goals for now: keep doing what's right and definitely go see all the oscar nominated films i can see in the next month.

happy, merry

it's so forceful, isn't it?

i haven't posted anything in almost two months for two reasons: illness and death. when those things faded here come the holidays. my other reason, i suppose, is travel. we've spent about $2000 on plane tickets in the last couple of months. i'm pretty tired of flying but i have to do it again soon so i better buck up.

it was a happy christmas though. all of this is possibly helped by the fact that, after speaking for approximately one minute to my new doctor, she diagnosed me as depressed and gave me a prescription. so far, so good. i've only done this once before and then it was only for three months so i'm curious to see what happens.

i started up with the jogging again because there isn't much else i can do in my fitness room that will burn the calories i need to burn. i'm taking it slowly and am considering it my secondary prescription. exercise has helped so much in the past.

i have also quit eating flour and sugar. it just occured to me that they really are pointless foods. food in quotation marks.

i have to go my husband is reading this now. i hate to worry him though everything i wrote here- he knows.

nutrisystem week 4

i have lost two pounds. i failed. i am SO disappointed in myself. i didn't keep to the plan. i suck, i suck, i suck. i just have to exercise my ass off. that's all that's ever worked. i'm going to get an mp3 player and just use josh's computer. i wonder how much i can get for mine so that i can buy him a new one and inherit his old one. this is my plan for weight loss. god, please help me or just..whatever. i can't believe my inability to just eat 3-5 small meals and exercise 45 minutes/day. what the hell?!

long ass day pt II

in what i hope is not a tradition, this friday sucked. two fridays ago i woke up sick as a dog. the next i had to understand what an immobile partner meant to our life together. yesterday, my brother woke me up at 6am to tell me that my uncle had killed himself. my uncle, one of my mom's four brothers, was like a dad to me. most recently, when i was living in the city, he and i got into all kinds of so-called great debates. we'd talk politics for hours. we'd talk racism, sexism, regionalism (he was a proud new yorker though he was always 'moving to san diego') he was so excited to meet josh and debate with him too. he told me that josh didn't disappoint him at all and despite josh's color he found him more than worthy of me. his words not mine.

my uncle was inarguably tortured by those twin demons, depression and alcoholism. people often wonder why i don't drink- he would be case in point. i know without a doubt i could go down the same road. i basically already did. i am overwhelmingly saddened that my uncle, uncle square head as we called him, did not.

i will miss his presence so much. he was hilarious and smart. he was in social work too. he just never stopped trying, ostensibly so that's why this is so shocking. i pray (because what else is there?) that whatever he wanted to end was ended. i just wish he'd could have found a way to have it ended when he was alive.

Rest In Peace, Russell Alan Carter, 1956-2008.

long ass day

there's no other way to describe 10/30/2008. at 130ish am I felt JC get out of bed and figured he was on his way to the toilet. next thing i heard was a whimper and a loud exclamation of pain. i jumped up and found him on the floor writhing in pain. i tend to be hyperbolic but in this case i am not at all. long story short, we were in the sw washington medical center's ER for four hours. turns out he broke his fibula in the fall. all i knew was that his ankle was the size of a grapefruit and i've never seen him so close to tears.

he's got a splint on and cannot put any weight on his leg at all. he's got vicodin and ibuprofen which i was told to push every few hours. he's stationed on the couch and luckily we inherited a tri-level cart that i've placed all his necessities on.

so i was exhausted by running around getting medication, medical supplies and food. then cooking it and cleaning up. i finally crashed around 330 for a few hours. i got up at 6 and made a caffeine run for JC and an ice run aka 'let's make life a little easier for me' run. heh. i'm worried about going to work tomorrow but i've cooked some food and got a cooler that will keep some drinks and snacks cool unti i can get home. i know they'll let me leave early so i'm too concerned. one of his friends volunteered to come over and visit with him but right now he's doing a stubborn man thing. granted, i don't think i'd want any of my friends seeing my urinal - we'll see if i can get him to bend.

he's been a good patient. i can't imagine the pain he's in at times and he's been really good at not yelling. i definitely appreciate it.

it should be a fascinating next few days. he should be getting an orthopedic appointment on monday so that he can get  a proper cast and crutches. that'll free me up and give him that independence i can tell he desperately wants back. i'm worried about how this even happened. there was nothing in his way or anything...he just collapsed. his frequent dizzy spells are why he'd just been to the doctor the day before. my mom gave me some medical jargon to use when we see the ortho and call his PCP.

oh relationships. they come with everything.

nutrisystem week 3

Well, here I am at the end of the third week. I have not noted a lot of change but the new jeans I bought just two months ago are definitely a size too big. I should start measuring my waist. The Wii says that nothing has changed and if anything I've gained. BUT the scale at the OHSU fair thing said I'd lost three pounds. We'll see. I had a break today where I realized that I am ashamed of my life right now. I concurrently realized that I have the power to change this. I'm living the life I've chosen to live. I'm heavy because I' ve chose to go out and eat tons of food almost everyday. I binge, I don't purge and I don't overexercise. The truth is I'm totally scared. I have all the hallmarks of having a thyroid and/or diabetes condition. I am less than eager to go to my first doctor's appointment next month. I want to b e more healthy for Josh but I have a hard time not getting in trouble with food. Right now I have no money so I don't have a choice.

I am praying for the strength to keep with this journey. I had no idea how addicted I've become. God help me please.

nutrisystem week 2

Well, I feel like things are getting a little better. I am able to go through the week but that is likely because i have only strictly followed the diet 2 out of the 5 days this week. I had a lot of gas and used the bathroom frequently. According to the Wii I've been up and down like crazy. But today I went to a health fair and OHSU tells me I weigh 251.4 so that'd be a lost of 4 lbs so far. However, they tell me I'm only 5'8 1/2 and 47% of me is fat. That should be 29% at the most. Unbelievable. But not really. I still have a binging problem that I'm really praying about. Right now as I type I'm thinking of what I can pig out on while I'm alone tomorrow. It's awful. I'm praying God please help me because I am not able to do this alone.

I'm committing to do some king of exercise more than 4x/week now. I pray God's help in making that occur.

'Don't talk, it'll help me understand'

Blindness.  Long story short- blindness suddenly attacks everyone in an unnamed Canadian city. Everyone expect the character played by Julianne Moore. The desinegration of society is swift and cruel. The initially infected are quarantined and turn into something out of Animal Farm or Lord of the Flies. In fact, the story is probably based on exactly on the ideas found in those stories. If you haven't read either (and tsk tsk) synopses can be found here and here.

Julianne Moore, as Mark Ruffalo's wife, goes with him to confinement and acts as a guide and advocate for those on their 'ward'.  I'm sure that the reason for the madness, blindness, is not without its poignancy. This is was one of the most uncomfortable two hours I've ever spent in a theatre. The atrocities that occur during the confinement are revolting and disturbing, to say the least. The ending is...um, predictable but not with the usual tidiness of most films.

It's not feel good, it's not preachy. It asks 'what if' and you will wonder. B