thirty

i had (?) a friend, a very good friend at one time, who turns thirty today. we used to talk often about turning thirty. what would it mean? what would we have accomplished? what would we look like? would we be in the relationships that we had so long desired? well, i don't know about him. said friend and i haven't spoken in about six months. wow, i didn't realize it had been that long until i just now stopped to count. funny. i used to spend practically every minute with him. for about four years. now...nothing. what happened? well, he sent me an email back in august that changed everything.

1 : to put right; especially : to make emendations in (as a text)
2 a : to change or modify for the better : IMPROVE b : to alter especially in phraseology; especially : to alter formally by modification, deletion, or addition
intransitive senses : to reform oneself
synonym see CORRECT

this is the definition of 'amend'. i received an email with that word as a titile from this man. the email went on to say that for over a year i may have noticed that he was acting funny around me well, he was because of issues he'd had with me for that year long period. he went on to lay out every thing i had said or did that had hurt him. the email basically accused me of being cold hearted in relation to his feelings for someone he'd been interested in for a long time (two years). the situation was that my friend had, from afar, admired this person and felt himself fall in love with this person. after a year of admiring this person from afar my friend worked up the courage to speak. then he made more overt efforts and they did hang out a few times. as my friend felt his feelings intensify, he wrote this person a letter spelling out how much he cared for this person. this person reacted in a way that would expected by most people - surprise, discomfort and a desire to make it clear that they were just friends and apologized for anything said or done that may have led my friend into thinking there was something more. my friend was crushed. very badly. i spoke to him as best and supportively as i could over this two year period.

the email was long and hurtful. nowhere in that email did my friend attempt to "change or modify for the better" our relationship. the email was a point by point accusation of my inability to support him during a very hurtful time. i was accused of belitting his feelings by calling them 'a crush'. i was accused of actually laughing at one point. i was shocked to say the least. actually, i was fucking pissed off. i decided i needed to cool down before i could even think of responding. well, turns out that cool down period was eight weeks long. i contacted this friend and asked him to tell me a good time to call him (he's in new york), he did, i tried to call, he never answered his phone. and this is where we stand today. his thirtieth birthday.

i have a two feelings about this: one. "fine/fuck you too/nice knowing ya!". the truth is he and i had had a quite strained relationship before this whole 'you hurt my feelings and this is my horrible attempt at apologizing' email hit my inbox. in the middle of 2001, i was a newly graduated, fucked up, i mean, FUCKED UP 24 year old with a very limited idea of what it meant to be myself or what it was i wanted to do. so i did what many others do - i decided i'd go back to school. i also decided i'd go to new york to do it. this friend and i had made many many road trips to new york the years prior to this. we dreamed of living there. actually, i'd dreamed of living there since i was eight years old. anyway, i shared my plans and next thing i know he's applied to go back to school too. and wouldn't you know it? also in new york. next thing i know i'm being asked about where WE are going to live. what WE are going to do. i had not yet developed my ability to say 'no' and just kind of went along. i moved out of our bedroom in queens after a month. from then on we were pretty much over. and well, i've already described what happened next.

my number two feeling is one of grief. as i said we traveled a lot together. we laughed a lot together. we ate A LOT together. most especially nice to me, we watched a lot of movies together. he has impeccable movie taste - it far exceeds my own. and for awhile there in new york, we lost a lot of weight together. it was a relationship based on a mutual "hatred" of mankind. i put that in quotations because what i believe now is that it was really based on a shared anxiety over people. i got involved in working on that issue where my friend did not for a bit. it was a strain between the two of us. as i mentioned, he admired this object of his affection for over a year without ever speaking or approaching this person. so yes, it drove me crazy. i tried to be supportive and i have no doubt that i wasn't always as supportive as he would've liked. the truth is, no one was. he spoke to me and several others almost daily about these feelings. my feeling was and still is that there is only so much to say. there are only so many (over)analyzations about what this and that may have meant. eventually you have to take an action. you have to take a chance. i said such things to him but it wasn't heard. one part of his email accused me of belitting his feelings by referring to his 'situation' as a crush. rather, he said that when i was attempting to relate i would say, "well, when i was obsessed with...." i don't remember saying this but if i did i stand by it. it is an obsession. falling in love is nothing but. it's truly an obsessive-compulsive disorder. by DSM-IV standards. (again, i work in mental health, sorry.) you are focused on one person (obsession) and react in ways that place you in the person's path, you call them repeatedly (compulsive behaviors). really, if we're to be honest, falling in love could be considered becoming mentally ill. but i'll save that for my valentine's day post.

so, last i spoke to my ex-friend, he wanted to get out and do something big for his birthday. i believe the plan called for travel to london. a city we both had a love for. i never made it there. i also may never speak to this person again. i'll get over it. all this typing has me thinking it's a good thing. there was far too much dependence going on. i want to think that he was overly dependent on me but i do feel i was just as guilty of that. i knew if there was a film no one else had heard of and didn't want to see, he would've known it and would've come with me. he listened to my tales of woe with men. and united we could say "hey! fuck you world!" together. granted, it was all bravado. i learned an easier way of getting along in the world. i don't know about him. i hope so. i guess i all i would really say to him, if we were to speak today, is happy birthday.