2006 reflections

january: rang in the new year with danette and friends. it was such a nice night. what else: got into a sort of war with my car company about an asinine charge and threated them with a expose letter to the Oregonian (that was fun); had miss Y as a houseguest for a week- that was fun too; started taking classes with the AAHC with danette- more fun; began downward spiral at work. best thing: the 7 night cruise i went on with my mom, grandma, uncle joe and aunt stephanie. worst thing: coming back from the cruise.

february: short and sweet month. best: tie between snow tubing at snow bunny and reconnecting with old friends back east. worst: arguing with many people in new york to get my w-2 form sent to me.

march: what a month! heidi came and visited- that was blast. i began playing scrabble on a bimonthly basis with maria. again, more fun. best: first date with josh. worst: the possible ending of the friendship of danette and maureen.

april: first little trip with josh to the coast, more scrabble, more josh, lots of talk with heidi about her upcoming wedding. no best and worst- it was a pretty good time.

may: heavy duty MOH talks with heidi, i took a trip down to berkeley and i sort of dropped out of doing AAHC classes. i've never been a big fan of the month. the best thing was that i got offered a new job and i gladly accepted. worst: spent the day in the Kaiser Urgicenter with the worst headache i've ever had. josh was with me though and we now refer to it as "Tumor Scare 2006".

june: started off the month in NC. heidi got married. i missed josh. i vowed i would NEVER HAVE A WEDDING (har har). went to the coast with the best ladies in PDX ;-) i started my new job and loved it. it was all good.

july: learned that my landlord was "seriously about to sell the house". i searched high and low for something i wanted and found something in parkrose. eh. i had to move offices at work - blech! i got pissed that josh and i couldn't afford alaska but we had a great time in newport anyway.

august: i moved into my first "i live by myself" apartment and things decend slowly from there. well, not everything, not at all. but i do realize that handling living expenses by myself is DAMNED HARD. robyn came to visit- yay! best and worst: moving.

september: i turned 30. josh gave me a marvelous day. i had my first birthday party ever- much fun and love all around. i flew down to phoenix to attend a wedding with josh and met almost all his people. it was a doozy of a thirty days.

october: you know, it started out in an 'eh' place. i went to florida to celebrate my aunt and uncle's 60th wedding anniversary. josh came and met almost all of my family. it went very well but it was also the most stressful trip i've ever taken in my life. i gave notice at my apartment because the costs were killing me. i have no idea how i spent halloween. best and worst: trip to florida.

november: i know this was just last month but i have a hard time remembering....i think i basically spent this month in a depressive fog. i hit a bottom financially. i moved again. i began working at a second job. i spent thanksgiving in an apartment in vancouver and then i went to work. best: i got engaged. worst: everything else.

december: blessed end of this surreal year. slight coming out of the fog. josh gave me a great christmas eve. i spent christmas alone watching the 'In Living Color' marathon on BET, slightly sick. i put in notice at my newly attained apartment. i got a third job where luckily the compensation is a free apartment. so i moved A-GAIN. i'm tired, i'm looking forward to 2007.

B-/C+

new year's intention: to be present, centered and living my life the way i want.

hmm....

i just realized that everyone i know in portland is in a relationship. well, i'm on the fringe of knowing a couple of people who may not be but otherwise - everyone is all partnered up. weird. well, that's what i've come up with for a friday night by myself. though i am dying to see 'Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Khazakstan". yes! i only know that whole title because mr. p. kept repeating it over and over so that he could memorize it. ha!

well, lemme check the times...

lesson learned

squats hurt. a lot.

i love josh i love josh i love josh i love josh....

i love josh i love josh i love josh i love josh.

he tucked me in last night and told me the first 3 stanzas of 'twas the night before christmas' becasue that's all he could remember and then he sang to me. how much i love this man is unbelievable. dear god, please help me be a better person to be present and the best eris possible for this relationship. i've never stuck anything out really and i want this so much i could spit. thank you God, thank you so, so much. i have so many blessings coming to me know, i just know i'll be ok and the worst is firmly behind me. i know it and i'm so grateful for it! thank you God. i love josh and ilove you. i love you God for everything you've done for me. you've given me the strength so many times to get through so many tough times and i thank you the opportunity to get through many more.

i love you always.

-eris

that's what's Christmas is all about Charlie Brown

it wasn't such a bad little tree and it wasn't such a bad little christmas. i spent the day alone and i was fine. i had the opportunity to go to a friend's house and watch a Star Wars movie but i wasn't feeling up to it. i actually found that iw as quite content to sit alone and be still. i'm not the most social person but i don't usually enjoy no contact with people. i suppose i needed it. i'm moving tomorrow for the third time this year and i know i needed to just sit down and shut the fuck up for a little while.

i've watched a lot of tv, 'in living color' was playing all afternoon on BET- that was fun. also, i'm watching 'bad santa' again. i got a lot of phone calls and email today so that was all good times.

last night my guy and i spent all day together, pretty much. we had lunch then went to the gym, then some shopping and then he made me dinner. we watched 'lake placid' and just chilled out. it was great. he's a sweetheart. i'm excited to be marrying him. however, i'm looking forward to this new job. that'll make me a little more busy and i need that though i'd prefer it to be with something like a class- i'm doing what i have to get by.

that said, i should get started with my packing.

merry christmas to all! whatever that may mean to you.

pleeeeaaaaaassse come home for christmas

my first christmas without my family and i gotta say - i'm not liking it. not one bit.
of course, i am the one who moved to oregon...

i have done nothing all day today but watch 'kinky boots' and talk on the phone. my guy and i saw 'blood diamond' last night. reviews to come.

that's it for now otherwise i'll get into rambling in my lovely way.

"T-I-A"

Blood Diamond. I gave the guy the opportunity to pick whatever movie he wanted for a Christmas present. He picked this movie and I was glad. The movie tells the story of a few characters during a civil war in Sierra Lionne. One of these people was Denny Archer, a white African diamond smuggler. I can't believe I'm typing this but Leonardo Dicaprio did a very good job in this role. He was simultaneously greedy, selfish, ambivalent and caring. Basically, he was great at portraying a conflicted human being. The real star though, in my opinion, was Djimon Hounsou, as Solomon Vendy. His character was that of a dedicated family man who is kidnapped by rebels and forced to work in the diamond mines. He finds a large diamond and hides it. He and Denny join forces after Denny learns he has the diamond. Denny makes the promise of helping Solomon find his family. He does this with the help of an American journalist, Maddy Bowen, played by Jennifer Connelly. A lot of ads are describing this as "a movie with a huge heart" and I believe that's completely accurate. Of course, there are problems. I for one am sick of the 'white hero' and 'naive/ignorant black' roles. They exist in this movie though not to complete extremes. The love story also struck me as far less than believable. All in all, it's a touching movie and is truly about determination. I also found it a sort of endearing look at Africa in general. Granted, I havent' been there but everything I've read about it was depicted in the film. I don't know about the Oscar nominations it's supposed to garner but I do hope a lot of people see it. A-.

six hundred steps back

i took one or two forward and now i'm sacked way, way back. i don't know what to do. i just told josh tonight that i'd give him money on friday and now i can't. i don't know what to do other than cry. i won't though. i refuse to cry over money anymore. fuck it. at least i'll be through with these loan shark people. i did what i had to do. i don't regret it- i kept myself out of court. i'm so sick of getting myself into these places. that's why i'm so glad i got this apartment/job. thank you God. i know things will get better. sigh.

thank you.


i'll go be stil now.

good night

we had one last night.

he had called me and not left a message and that sort of angered me. like- come on show me you care! i've been on this anti-arranging things with him kick lately and that phone call fueled me for some reason. but then...BUT THEN i had sushi with maureen and she talked a lot about her and bruce's relationship. it sounds like it's going well. i'm very happy for her. she certainly deserves a good, caring man! anyway, it made me feel stupid for being angry about nothing, esentially so i hopped in my car and drove to gresham to see him.

he was actually writing and i hate that i disturbed him doing that! damn! but he seemed to welcome the m&ms and we had a nice little talk. he said he was coming around to my point of view about moving to lafayette court. he also said he spent a lot of the day feeling bad about working on christmas and leaving for new year's. yeah, well, i didn't really know what to say. i said he's fine. he said he felt like no part of his life is going well. i told him he is ALWAYS doing well with me- even when he's not he is. oh i pray he knows that! he said he'd cook for me on christmas eve. he also said he's going to look for a new job. i pray he finds something that he likes. that gives him the time to do what he wants. it was all very sweet.

anyway, he had on his new (hot!) outfit and i just fell in love all over again. i usually do in his presence. on the phone? not so much!

anyway, i love him. i do. i am beyond excited to marry him and be his wife. i sometimes try and imagine what that will be like but i can't know, can i? it's interesting to try and imagine. the living together part scares me sometime. that man and his organizational skills are not good! i know i can be not the best person to live with but i'm comitted to making it work.

i am also comitted to making lafayette ct. a home. i'm getting decorating ideas and i'm looking forward to seeing how i am as an interior designer. basically, due to the nature of the job i'd like to really make my home a sanctuary. no work there or anything- just warm tones and bright, fun color. we'll see.

sweety mcsweets

you know when love is new and you can't stop smiling about your favorite person on the planet? i'm in that mood now. we just had our electricity turned back on. don't fuck with oregon is all i have to say! poor james kim, those climbers and now these out of control winds...damn james!

anyway, my guy just stopped by to check and see if i was ok after his ass-long work day. sure, he ~should~ have but i'm glad he did. now he's off to his own dark home in gresham. poor, beautiful soul.

in other news- i had my first ever personal trainer meeting. wow, am i middle class or what? well, on paper anyway. so he's showing me all the right moves for the machines and it's struck me how wrongly i'd previously used them. he made me do the plank- i hate the plank! he took my measurements and i'm definitely no 36-24-26. then we just chatted- he's a good kid. i hope this is just the kick in the pants i need to keep going this time. the thing is I LOVE working out. it's the getting there that's been the problem. anyway, enough of that- i have another
website where i regularly confess such things.

in further other news- i got the job that will have me living side by side with some severely mentally ill folk. sigh. it'll be for no less than 3 months and i've imposed a limit of no more than 18. but only time will tell. i keep reminding myself how much money i'll be able to put towards bills instead of rent and that refreshes the, frankly realistic, prejudices i have about the position.

big, beautiful baja burritos everyone!

wastin' ti-i-ime

last night was good fun. i went to a benefit that my man's job put on for a homeless shelter. it was at some random place downtown (not a bad space overall. check them out.

so my wonderfully insane fiancee gets on stage as part of rap group called "waitin' fo' tha police" and does a pretty decent rap, actually, about homelessness in this city. his stage name is MC Killbreeze. like i said, insane. then he's in the very next act just doing his singing thing. he performs with these two older guys, one on upright bass and one on guitar, under the name of: yard debris only. i love it! anyway, one of the songs is "sitting on the dock of the bay" but he can't whistle. well, yours truly got called onstage to whistle with him. oh, that was cool! i get so nervous on stages but i did alright once i stopped smiling.

do-do doo doo do da do doo doo..and so on. maybe we'll take our act on the road.

so this is december and what have i done?

The end of the year: Holy moly! How the hell did that creep up on me so quickly? Eh, I suppose it’s the normal passage of time. 2006 has been ONE HELL of a ride though. I can’t even hyperbolize because it is so true. I have too often done a retrospect of my years and resolved to do differently. Eh, I don’t feel that’s helpful (at all) for me anymore. I try and do that daily instead. It’s going a little better.

Honestly: I don’t know what to say when people ask me how I’m doing. I know I’m over thinking the question but the truth is that so much is going on. I’m not good at being concise and I’m uncomfortable with complete disclosure. So I marginally share. I’ve been a marginal sharer most of my life. There was a brief period (and perhaps this is why I remember this time so fondly) from 2002-2004 in New York where I was balls out living. I mean, life was still rough: my apartment burned down, I had an abusive boss, I got mono, the flu, strep throat- so life wasn’t peachy keen but it was good even in the bad times. What I find now is that life is, at baseline, good. So that’s fine but when the shitty stuff occurs it just feels worse somehow. I’m sure it’s also age and my idea about what should be going on. I’ll get over it, I know but sometimes….

The amazing stuff is just the continued bonding with a group of truly amazing people I was lucky enough to meet out here as well as falling head over heels for someone. Those things make a huge difference and I’m eternally grateful for them.

Actually, a ‘friend’ once told me, after I was complaining about something, “you don’t like anything”. I was shocked and appalled but then I realized she was right…to an extent. I tend always towards wanting more. I don’t even mean materially – I mean something awful will occur like missing being evicted by one day and I certainly, instantly, become humbled and, I don’t know how else to describe it but still. Then it’s as if I’ve forgotten and little things will remind me to be grateful and accepting of my life like hearing about a family member’s illness or something. My ultimate goal: knowing I’m always alright to the point where I know I’m always alright. I used to wonder why my mom called me a perfectionist.

Wedding plans are shaping up. We’re going to get married in our living room. No, seriously. The wedding racket is unbelievable. Plus, I’ve always been more of a fan of the eating/drinking part of these union celebrations.

I won’t even get started on my lack of movie watching.

"CELLOPHANE!"

the science of sleep. this cutesy movie stars, imho, one of the most handsome men in movies gael garcia bernal, as 'stephane'. stephane is the product of a mexican father, who has just died of cancer and french mother. the movie begins as he moves to france, following his father's death. he moves into his childhood home and falls in love with a neighbor. stephane truly enjoys his sleep and finds it easier to navigate than real life.

that's a synopsis that i just wrote and reading it over it would seem that the movie is boring and/or too simplistic to be effective. i think the opposite is true, thanks to the director. you experience a lot of surreal scenes due to the large amount of time the character spends sleeping. i would liken the film to a more masculine and disturbing 'amelie'- if you're into film comparisons. i think it stands well on it's own though. it's not for everyone and even i left the theatre saying, "that was weird". it is weird but it's also charming, funny and above all dreamy.

i will say though that the constant sleeping scenes, the beauty of the film and the concentration you'll need to exert to follow (this is NOT a film for action junkies) along will leave you ready to create your own dreams.