unsure

i am sitting here alone on the couch watching 'brothers and sisters' - a show i have never seen before in my life. i am doing this because my blood sugar is probably 200. i ate a pan of cookies. i ate corn dogs for goodness sakes. i am not able to understand why i keep eating. i ordered nutrisystem on friday. josh's excitement because of that was encouraging but also very insulting. i am not blind. i know i am fat. i have a front butt and big back butt. i have large boobs and a bit of a double chin. i sometimes forget  all of this but never for long. to see the joy in his eyes at the thought of me losing 55 lbs eventually was saddening. i didn't think it was that bad but it is. i don't understand how i've gained 17 lbs in two months! but of course i do- the burgers, fries, pies, cookies, etc. everything has packed itself onto my stomach. dear God, why!? i pray for help. oh well it's a daily thing. i am afraid for this nutrisystem thing because i can go one of two ways with this - follow it perfectly and lose a bunch of weight and then don't continue OR i will not follow it and gain weight. i would have to just, no i WILL just have to give it all to God. i need to ask for patience, i need to practice gratitude and being happy in the present.

the present is not feeling like a whole lot like a gift. josh is always gone. i mean we see each other as much as we did in atlanta but this going to bed alone 4 nights a week is lame. i either feel like he's a roommate or my desire is off the charts. it's wacky. i just miss him. i love his face and his thoughts and how he speaks. how he'll sound like the most macho misogynist or a little too effiminate. actually i don't like those things it's just who he is. i love who he is. how is it we come to love someone so much? this trade off is not fair. love and security and then one day...gone. i  don't why i think of it so often but i cannot imagine a world without josh in it. i don't want to. i love him so much and i want to be a better person for him. i want to give him so much and if weight is what he wants the most then surely i can give it to him. right? i don't think that will be enough though, will it? God can you speak to me? Can you help me please?

i cannot even think of work right now. i feel i'm not fulfilling some sort of movie-inspired sense of putting right all the wrongs done to african americans in portland. how arrogant! God, after reading this i hope you are laughing and touching me with your light and guiding me along this journey. i feel lost and hopeless and insecure and gassy and fatty. har.

my arms have broken out again. i don't know what that's about either. God please make me healthy for me and my love.
all of them. and may your healing touch all in my heart.

funny

i didn't catch the show last night but i just watched the tina fey reprise as sarah palin on SNL. she's kind of got her down, dontcha think? you can get back to me.

debate=two participants

that was my overall feeling watching the "debate" last night- it was as if two people gave lectures and there was so little interaction. actually i watched a rebroadcast after yummy sushi dinner. plug, plug.

i agreed with the many pundits who found mccain's straight up ignoring of obama ridiculous. i agreed that obama let mccain run over him a few times w/his inaccurate verbal steamroller and i felt an overwhelming desire to throw up my hands and say 'eh'. i don't know anything about technically scoring debates but it did seem to me a tie in the sense that both men presented themselves firmly though no one's argument really stood out.  mccain came off as very dismissive and obama seemed frustrated many times.

i hardly ever agree with analysis i read in the washington post but their summation from last night was about as accurate and objective as i've found.

november 4th cannot get here quickly enough.

black like me

moving to portland, oddly, opened me up to a group of black people like i'd never met before. here were women (and the one man i've met) who were not afraid to profess love for things like camping or disdain for things like being told 'you sound white'. it was, still is, quite refreshing. i'm being challenged though, internally, by my new position. i have such a ridiculous title - african american cultural specialist- it's hard not to think about what that means. i'm definitely over thinking but it's so odd i can't help myself. how is one a specialist on any culture? could someone who is not african american actually be a 'specialist'? so stupid. anyway, i'm at work just thinking about how empathic i can be towards people who look like me. i think what makes me a good counselor though is that i can empathize with most people despite their melanin level.  moving on...

i love the weather lately. anything above 80 degrees is not fun for my armpits or arms for that matter. i've been breaking out in the sun lately. it's a rash on each forearm and it has been going on for two years now. i'll have to go to the doctor--- when my insurance finally kicks in during november. sighs.

i saw 'The Women' this week but only because I couldn't stand the thought of being at home which is rare. Nothing else was playing at the time. My god it was awful!

when i had my first internship placement during grad school i met a clinical psychologist. i was working with her to run a play therapy group with 5 4-year olds. it was one of the most uncomfortable experiences of my life. the psychologist called me out she said i was what they would have called ' a slow to warm' kid. that is so true. i bring all that up (again) to say that i am still catching up to feelings brought up by this last move. it's hard to explain to people but though i feel 'settled' on the surface i'm still feeling a little sad. it's coming through in dreams- fighting and running way themes- and just randomly i'll feel a twinge. i'll think of my niece and tear up. i miss my family more than i want to admit, i suppose. today, i got a package from my mom - it was a WiiFit head band and wrist bands. cute, kitschy, definitely my style. it's all coming out in the wash but i guess i'm finally admitting it was in the wash to begin with.

this weekend should be chill. is it wrong to admit i REALLY enjoyed my 24 hours of alone time last weekend? nah, i don't think so.

"And two- where are my pants and underwear?:"

Hamlet 2. With much anticipatory glee, I broke my movie theatre film watching fast with a trip to the local cineplex to watch Steve Coogan star as Dana Marschz (the pronunciation is funny), a failed actor/drama teacher in Tuscon, Arizona. How could this premise possibly fail? Well, it did.

I suppose the premise is its own downfall. In the movie, Dana is putting on his own original play, the movie's namesake, in an effort to raise attention the closing of the drama department. The play is deemed offensive by, oh, everyone and Dana is forced to fight for his right to...put on an absolutely ridiculous play. Everything you think would happen does. SPOILER: the play goes on with many protests, the kids rally around him to encourage him to continue when times get rough, the play is a huge success and he goes on to win fame.

The best part was the actual staging of Hamlet 2. The play's premise was ridiculous but I found it fully enjoyable and, dare I say, touching. Elisabeth Shue (who stars in the movie as herself actress-cum-nurse) shed a tear while watching it and I didn't but it was the only time I laughed. The randomness just fell flat. I find it hard to beleive that anyone who believes in Jesus would actually be offended by 'Rock Me Sexy Jesus'- the play's main song- and I hope that people will mainly be offended that this comedy does not inspire laughter. D