grin

josh is my friend.
i love him.

that i may LIVE again

dear god,

thank you so much. i was moved for some reason to do a lot of things lately that don't really make sense in thinking about them but i see where they are taking me.

you know i have always been a person of faith. a deep faith and feeling that someone or something is always watching over me and protecting me from myself. this feeling has been so strong lately. i have fucked up all over again. with the same things too: money, friends, food, sex. you have made that clear to me know and now i ask, no i beg, for your help once again. god, i pray to you to keep me from eating too many hamburgers. i pray to you to keep me from incurring too much debt, from caring about what others may thingk of my life, from myself.

thank you for josh. i see so clearly now that he is indeed, INDEED my perfect match. you have sent me someone who has walked the same path who IS WALKING the same path. who has come to a similar conclusion and we both love so deeply you. we both know that without you there would be no us. we both know that without you there will be no us.

i am humbled. i am truly humbled. we all know i want my lfe to be like a glamarous and happy ending movie and god- today you have given me some insight into how that is possible. i thank you god for you never ending mercy and love. you have always loved me. fat, poor, lying, drunk, sad, ungrateful me and i want o sit here today and type this letter to you asking you to please, PLEASE keep loving me. PLEASE keep me ever aware that my life- this life that i ridiculously bemoan at times - is the greatest gift. it is THE. there's no words really to express what i feel. maybe that's why i don't talk too well - my feelings seem restricted by the words i/we have.

thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you god for loving me. i love you. i love you god. it has been so hard fro me to ever think that you, god, needs my love. well, i know you don't but that i can say it. that i can feel it. THAT I CAN KNOW IT. thank you.

love,
always,
eris

"three movies about people walking!"

clerks II. i am sorry to say that the above quote is the ONLY thing that even made me smile about this movie, and that makes me very sad. like any other angst filled younger person in the 1990s - i found great joy in watching kevin smith movies. when i heard he made a sequel to 'clerks', the funny albeit raunchy, movie about a few 20something slackers who work in crappy minimum wage jobs, i was ecstatic. then i saw it. rather, i saw 40 minutes of it because that was all i could take. i have only ever walked out of one movie in my life prior to today: jerry maguire (that's another story). clerks II was following the same guys - now 30something slackers working in minimum wage jobs- and the raunch factor was times ten now. i have no issue with raunch but it seemed completely pointless and the biggest problem was - IT WASN'T FUNNY AT ALL! i think there was a 'pussy' joke every 5 minutes- none were funny. i don't really even know what else to say...i guess that was kevin smith's problem too. hey --- he had a good run. f.

survey: rated mature

email surveys. you either love them or you don't. i guess that's not true because to me it depends on my mood. so, i'll start again. email surveys: you either love them or you hate them or you're a moody person. that's better.
"
my friend ben(ge) sent me one that, in his paraphrased words, asked questions a little more insightful than, "when's the last time you were drunk?". i agree that those are old and now that i'm older (and still getting closer to be older, 8 days and counting...) they strike me as very immature and inane. so here's ben(ge)'s. reposted as a lj entry because i couldn't think of anything better to type.

> Moments When You Felt the Happiest:
all christmas times
swimming
family road trips to new york/florida
watching movies
any times i've been laughing with my friends
weekends in high school
my Rent days
grad. school in new york
hanging out with joshuah

> Ten Favorite Songs

This is really difficult to answer but I think this is
a good sampling:
'nice work if you can get it' -ella fitzgerald
'here comes the sun' (nina simone version)
'good morning heartache' (billie's version of course)
'under pressure' -queen & bowie
'i wish i knew how it would feel to be free' -dionne
farris
'o holy night' (i hate to say it but i really like
celine dion's version)
'ave maria'
'the district sleeps tonight' -postal service
the way we would sing the benediction at Soldiers
Memorial
'ghost' -indigo girls


> Most Romantic Song
'the way you look tonight'

> Albums You've Listened to the Most

the white album -beatles
rites of passage -indigo girls
little earthquakes and under the pink -tori amos
little plastic castle -ani difranco
college drop-out -kanye west
street faerie -cree summer

i have never liked many whole albums..


> What You're Doing to Undermine Capitalism

does moving from new york to portland oregon count?

> Your Explanation for Why Bad Things Happen to Good
People

we use terms like 'bad things' and 'good people'

> Famous People You've Talked To

taye diggs, jesse l. martin, idina menzel, anthony
rapp (hey! they're famous to me!) and i've exchanged
hellos with donald faison, sarah jessica parker, matt
dillon, either mary kate or ashley (i couldn't tell),
darrell hammond.

> Who Would You Most Like To Be Stuck In An Elevator
With

no one. rather, no one would want to be in that
situation with me - i'd be out of control.

>
> What Would Be Your First Thoughts If You Woke Up And
Realized That
> You Were The Only Person On Earth

wow. what next? then i think i'd just go satisfy every
curiousity about different (immediate, i guess since i
can't fly a plane) areas.

> The Best Thing That You've Ever Won

i haven't won anything; i did catch the bouquet at
heidi's wedding ;-)

> Dumbest Thing You've Ever Done

oh there are so many! right now i'm thinking -bought a
car.

> Strangest Thing You've Ever Seen

i've seen a lot but i think the strangest to me was
someone walking their cat on a leash in the park.

> How You Ended Up Living Where You Are

i was living in brooklyn, working in brooklyn and
getting ill in brooklyn. i wanted a return to the
green calm i knew most of my life but not in the
south. i met many many people who recommended i try
out portland. i visited, i loved it, i moved.

> Time You Felt Most Alive

it's always after a near-accident and sadly that's
happened too many times.

> Scariest Experience

learning my newly rented apartment had just burned
down

> If You Could Be Extraordinary At One Thing What
Would It Be

i'd want to be the most clear, concise, communicator
ever

>> Favorite Rap Lyrics:

"you can laugh and criticize Michael Jackson if you
wanna
Woody Allen, molested and married his step-daughter
same press kicking dirt on Michael's name
show Woody and Soon-Ye at the playoff game, holding
hands
sit back and just bug, think about that
would he get that type of dap if his name was Woody
Black?"

cracks me up and makes me sad all at once

>> Favorite Parts of New York City:

ah, man, i got so many:
-the chrysler building as you approach it from the
east
-i forgot the name but that area in the village that's
a little west of 3rd ave- stuyvesant square? where
around the clock diner is
-the walk between my grandma's apartment and the 66th
st. stop on the 1- walking through the hallway in
lincoln center
-waverly place
-park slope & prospect park
-the view of brooklyn from the manhattan bridge
-the kew gardens stop on the e train just because it
was the first place i ever lived in new york

> Your Fantasy Life

josh and i living in a different city, all over the
world, every year for the next ten years while not
having to work because we're wealthy -- with plenty of
visits to family and friends to boot! oh and with a
puppy.


> Concert You Wished You'd Seen

i'm not really a fan of concerts

> Best Drug Experience

can't say i've had a good drug experience

> Current Friend Who You've Known The Longest

that'd be my girl heidi! i was just amazed to be in
her wedding and i'm beyond glad that we've reconnected
in a more meaningful way.

> Worst Job You've Ever Had

working as a hotel housekeeper - i only lasted one
week. they wouldn't even let me use gloves to clean
the bathroom!

> Favorite White Shadow Character

sorry, b, i don't know 'white shadow' at all

> Last Time You Laughed Uncontrollably

that was either any time i was with josh or the last
time i went home for christmas and nathan said
something ridiculous

> Favorite Thing You Ever Bought

the ring i wear on my right hand

> Things You Once Had That You Wish You Still Did

humphrey, my teddy bear
a sense of fearlessness

twenty four weeks and counting...

today my sister sent me an email. this is a journalworthy thing all in itself but the subject of this email was figuring out whether or not the person you are with is THE ONE or not.

i have more than a few thoughts on this 'THE ONE' business. last september my then therapist recommended i read and work out of a book called, "Calling In the One" by Katherine Woodward Thomas. she recommended it because i had just dated my umpteenth not-good-for-me-at-all-and-i-really-just-went-out-with-you-because-i'm-bored guy. and predictably i lasted one month. actually i think it was only three weeks. my therapist and i were not under the delusion that this book, once complete, would mean prince charming would knock on the door. what she suggested it for was to do some exploration and inventory into my relationship issues. it was wonderful! i was pissed off a lot and cried a lot and by the end of the book realized that i was TRULY ok with not dating anyone. in fact, i decided i wouldn't. i kinda dug the whole 'getting to know myself' thing. so here i was, for the first time in my life, ok with being single, and coincidentally celibate as i am not a casual sex type of person though sometimes i REALLY REALLY wished i were. but then i met mr. j and the rest is the rest. we hit the twenty four week mark (it's hard for me to count months so i just take it week by week) and all is well. shocking.

now this email was peppered with references to biblical verses in an effort to get the email reader to really think about their chose of a mate. this email and these verses are exactly why i am not a christian. i hate people using the bible to justify their beliefs absolutely. well, that and i don't believe christ died for my sins and i was born in sin - bull to me. anyway, i believe in God and the grace of this spirit i call God but the bible is a real problem to me. one of the verses in the email was about how the husband is the head of the wife. spare me. i remember being 12 and walking out of the service because i was so angry that my reverend was standing in front of the congregation telling us women that we had to obey the men. what kind of shit is that? anyway, the email went on to say: "really stop and think: can you imagine the one you're with now holding your hand and offering you comfort at the funeral of your parent?" seriously, seriously?! hey, that makes me miss grey's anatomy. oh i hope it's not even more melodramatic this new season. speaking of...

i am too ready for fall! y'all don't hear me now! i am TOO ready for fall.

i like that 'no other man' song by christina aguilera. yeah, i said it.

"enough is enough!"

snakes on a plane. when i tell people i saw this movie, i get one of two common reactions: was it good? and why? well i'd like to answer the latter first. i went because the previews were unbelievable to me and i like the title. it's got to be one of the worst movie titles ever (although for me the worst is spanglish). but you can't get more specific than calling it 'snakes on a plane'. i mean, it's so simple it's genius. another reason i saw it is because i consider samuel l. jackson a demi-god. i truly do. the man can yell, swear and mug like no other. even in the most awful of movies (the name escapes me but the one he was in with ben affleck would fit here) to the best ('the red violin' and of course, 'pulp fiction') - he shines. i figured snakes on the plane wouldn't be any different. and i was not disappointed. i'll get to the point: the plot is ridiculous, the acting sucks and the writing is inane but, to quote mr. j, "it's the best worst movie i've ever seen". that's about it. you will laugh at how bad it is but at least you'll be laughing. of course, there is the ONE line that made me paying $6.50 seem worth it. you'll know the line when you hear it and hopefully you'll hear it all because in the theatre i was in - the whole audience busted up laughing. it was what going to the movies is all about. predictably, the movie has already reached cult status (check out http://snakesonablog.com) and i'm sure the dvd sales are going to go through the roof. my advice: if you want to see a good movie don't go but if you just want to go enjoy being at the movies - check it out. a/d-.

play date

i have a nagging feeling. it is due to the fact that every once in awhile - say once a month - the boy and i transform into actors.

seriously.

we all the sudden adopt a character and an accent and begin to speak as these people. i think it's cute and weird but being who i am i also wonder why. this hasn't happened lately but i was thinking maybe it's easier for him to talk to me as someone else but i know that's not true. we've had plenty of "these are my feelings" conversations sans accents for me to discard that theory.

well, i give up. i mean it's not like i hate it - it's actually really fun. once, on the way back to portland from the coast in some serious traffic, i adopted an old british harpy voice and he was my lord-like husband of fifty years. HILARIOUS. really, we should record it sometime.

anyway, i have done nothing about reviewing movies since i've seen no movies. oy. well, i forced him to watch 'love actually' last night. here's his review:


love actually. "i found it improbable (he meant the little boy running to his love in heathrow, dodging security), ridiculous (again the little boy and little bit of the colin firth bit), contrite (i disagree so i don't know what he meant) but not terrible. though this movie is why men don't watch romantic comedies...too much pressure". c.

well, that's him. i adore the movie completely, just as you would that most tattered and hideous teddy bear on your bed. well, i guess that analogy only works if you ten and younger. how about your favorite pair of jeans or shirt or something that you just can't part with?

oh, bugger off.

hazy lazy dazy

so i went and hiked on sauvie island with miss d and m. it was nice. we had to go slow because m is still sick from an ear infection. poor kid. it was hot. not the east coast humid soaked heat but just a whole lot of sun bearing down on you heat.
we talked and talked and picked wild blackberries off of the bushes along the route. some were awfully tart but most were sweet. it was one of those great oregon moments for me...you're just hikiing along and you stop for a snack and it's all nature and free.

i just heard from the boy. he says: "what are you doing?" "i'm going to come over and hang out with you". i said, um, ok, is that a question or a statement? i swear.

alright, he's rung the doorbell, i 'spose i should answer it.

peace!

back in blue

la la, i'm back!

so my computer died after an unfortunate case of a myspace virus. grrr!!!!
i took it to the macstore over on multnomah....yeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhh, not a big fan of the place though i did meet a cool lady from brooklyn. she said, "...yeah, you know, i tried moving back there thinkin' i'd make some cheddar and come back here but...i couldn't breathe". yep, sums up my feelings about new york.

i miss it though. i've been missing my family like crazy. i know as soon as i see them though i will long for the comforts of my own home. oh, yes, my OWN space. i'm five days into my new apartment and i'm all mcdonald's about it - i'm lovin' it!

had a weird conversation with the boy - i feel a little weird because he's got this business he's trying to build up that eventually means he'll take off for eastern africa for awhile. this could be a year from now and who knows where we'll be at that point but it kind of freaked me out. so he's all excited and telling me this and i am being supportive girlfriend, truly i am happy for him to realize one of his dreams, but i felt a twinge of sadness. i'll let it go for now but...it's noted and now typed out in cyberspace. goody.

anyway, my other love has become cable tv. i fear for my soul after watching a half hour of the simple life as well as the real world/road rules challenge. ugh. oh, did i mention the bit of 'child star confidential' i managed to sit through? ick.

gotta go to sleep. i gots some berry pickin' to do tomorrow.