nutrisystem week 4

i have lost two pounds. i failed. i am SO disappointed in myself. i didn't keep to the plan. i suck, i suck, i suck. i just have to exercise my ass off. that's all that's ever worked. i'm going to get an mp3 player and just use josh's computer. i wonder how much i can get for mine so that i can buy him a new one and inherit his old one. this is my plan for weight loss. god, please help me or just..whatever. i can't believe my inability to just eat 3-5 small meals and exercise 45 minutes/day. what the hell?!

long ass day pt II

in what i hope is not a tradition, this friday sucked. two fridays ago i woke up sick as a dog. the next i had to understand what an immobile partner meant to our life together. yesterday, my brother woke me up at 6am to tell me that my uncle had killed himself. my uncle, one of my mom's four brothers, was like a dad to me. most recently, when i was living in the city, he and i got into all kinds of so-called great debates. we'd talk politics for hours. we'd talk racism, sexism, regionalism (he was a proud new yorker though he was always 'moving to san diego') he was so excited to meet josh and debate with him too. he told me that josh didn't disappoint him at all and despite josh's color he found him more than worthy of me. his words not mine.

my uncle was inarguably tortured by those twin demons, depression and alcoholism. people often wonder why i don't drink- he would be case in point. i know without a doubt i could go down the same road. i basically already did. i am overwhelmingly saddened that my uncle, uncle square head as we called him, did not.

i will miss his presence so much. he was hilarious and smart. he was in social work too. he just never stopped trying, ostensibly so that's why this is so shocking. i pray (because what else is there?) that whatever he wanted to end was ended. i just wish he'd could have found a way to have it ended when he was alive.

Rest In Peace, Russell Alan Carter, 1956-2008.