friends with money. i watched this movie last weekend actually but i just remembered it. that would lead one to believe that it's because i didn't like it but one would be wrong. i think. i have no problem saying that it was a good movie. it was well acted and dialouge and emotional expressions were on point for me. what i found disturbing was the subject matter. i NEVER talk about money so to watch a whole movie with it as the focus took me on a mental journey. actually, the movie wasn't about money - it's never that simple, is it? i enjoyed the journey - i enjoyed looking at the pitfalls that we all face no matter our economic status, marriage status, etc. i even enjoyed jennifer aniston in a very familiar depressed, going nowhere sort of character. enjoyable film with some not so enjoyable characters. a-.
american dreamz. i watched this trailer and thought, "wow, that looks marginally entertaining; it's about time someone spoofed american idol". i was very wrong. the movie is essentially a satire of america, all encompassing. i am still a little shaken, honestly. it does not end as one would think, yet given the thinly veiled sentiments expressed, it was not a surprise. i know this will sound wrong and superficial but i spent a lot of time thinking, "mandy moore's face looks really shiny and she's really tall". yes, i admit it. anyway, watching this will leave you with something to say. b+.
scorched. 2003 comedy-heist flick starring alicia silverstone, woody harrelson, rachel leigh cook, john cleese, ivan sergei and others. the plot is that three bank employees, all for their own twisted reasons, decide to rob the bank on the same day. the three stories intertwine with much hilarity. there's nothing new here; the characters are absurd in a way not always seen though. good times. b+.
Saturday, April 29, 2006
Sunday, April 23, 2006
"it's like we're 10"
or as i like to call it: sunday, sunny sunday.
what fun!
j told me to meet him at his house at 3:30pm. i was all, "well yes, sir!" anyway, i get there and he's not there so i went to get some gas. the boy needs to move from gresham. really!
anyway, we had such a great day. the weather was so nice today. i was kinda excited to see where it was he was taking me. i thought multnomah falls so i was all..me..and said, "ah, multnomah falls! that was the first place i ever went when i bought my car". so he said, "well, we're not going there now". i just had to laugh.
i spare details: we went to bonneville dam and walked around. you know- i bitch often and freely about my work but i had to give pause when i saw the woman at the dam whose job is fish counting. yep, watching the fish going by and ticking them off...one by one. it kind of made me a little more grateful.
so, we left there and headed to cascade locks. what a cute area! he took me to thunder island and we just had a great day. we walked the perimeter, got swirl soft serve cones, climbed a tree, climbed over rocks and just laughed. it really was like we had a day as 10 year olds. that theme only continued as we went back to his place and watched "muppets take manhattan" - there is no need to review this movie IT IS EXCELLENT ALL MUST VIEW IT - and laughed at all the funny lines. we particularly like janice - the only female in the band. love her!
i'll spare details again: we were getting hot and heavy on the couch and then on the floor and then..........his roommate walks in. d'oh. i have rerun in my mind over and over WHY we just didn't move into his room but the fact remains we didn't. so, i don't know how much of me was seen but i do know that i won't be able to look at j's roommate in the same way. the likewise is probably true also.
like i said, it was like we were kids.
what fun!
j told me to meet him at his house at 3:30pm. i was all, "well yes, sir!" anyway, i get there and he's not there so i went to get some gas. the boy needs to move from gresham. really!
anyway, we had such a great day. the weather was so nice today. i was kinda excited to see where it was he was taking me. i thought multnomah falls so i was all..me..and said, "ah, multnomah falls! that was the first place i ever went when i bought my car". so he said, "well, we're not going there now". i just had to laugh.
i spare details: we went to bonneville dam and walked around. you know- i bitch often and freely about my work but i had to give pause when i saw the woman at the dam whose job is fish counting. yep, watching the fish going by and ticking them off...one by one. it kind of made me a little more grateful.
so, we left there and headed to cascade locks. what a cute area! he took me to thunder island and we just had a great day. we walked the perimeter, got swirl soft serve cones, climbed a tree, climbed over rocks and just laughed. it really was like we had a day as 10 year olds. that theme only continued as we went back to his place and watched "muppets take manhattan" - there is no need to review this movie IT IS EXCELLENT ALL MUST VIEW IT - and laughed at all the funny lines. we particularly like janice - the only female in the band. love her!
i'll spare details again: we were getting hot and heavy on the couch and then on the floor and then..........his roommate walks in. d'oh. i have rerun in my mind over and over WHY we just didn't move into his room but the fact remains we didn't. so, i don't know how much of me was seen but i do know that i won't be able to look at j's roommate in the same way. the likewise is probably true also.
like i said, it was like we were kids.
review fer you
born in east l.a.. this late 1980s movie starring cheech marin takes its title from a line that cheech delivers from the movie. the basic story involves cheech playing a Mexican-American named Rudy. Rudy, through a series of comic misadventures, is deported from America to Mexico. it's full of some actual serious commentary on immigration and relations between mexican immigrants and mexican-americans. i found the acting pretty subpar and grimaced more than once at the canned, stereotypical performances but perhaps that was the point? c
Saturday, April 22, 2006
spring
wow, when portland blooms it f*ing blooms! it is gorgeous out here. i am truly overwhelmed with all of the colors i see when i walk/drive/ride down the streets of this city. people take such pride in their yards and keeping things alive and flowering. it's inspiring.
all of that said, i think the week preceeding today was one of the shittiest i've experienced here in portland. i hate to write bitchy recountings but this week was one for the books. i suppose monday started well enough. i did aerobics, had sushi with e,k and d and then danced my ass off with March Fourth. i swear, that's a great time at a great price. so, anyway, there is no specific event that characterizes the rest of the week as "shitty" but it was feeling shared by most i've spoken to. particulary horrible was thursday. EVERY ONE i spoke to was in some sort of bitchy mood/crisis/sad state just whatever. i hate to ever include work in that category because it is almost always like that but that specific day was AW-FUL.
thursday. i arrive at work about fifteen minutes late, as i've taken to doing. work on thursdays is usually a bitch because first we have a half hour staff meeting. then i'm doing screenings for potential new clients for the next three hours and then at 3pm we have another TWO HOUR staff meeting. well on this thursday we had a special hour long meeting after the first staff meeting. the purpose was for our team to 'debrief and process' with two "workplace trauma" staff. we have had a number of clients die recently and the toll on us was showing. after a death at our clinic, the client's case manager is required to gather a number of personnel together in order to go over the client's case. the "idea" is to administratively review how the case was handled with "no judgement". in reality, it's a scrutiny of our work. "what did you do?" "what could you have done better?" this does not feel good and truthfully, as the case manager you walk out with a sense of failure and immense guilt. sucks. so anyway, back to thursday, we were given the opportunity (sans supervisors) to talk about our feelings about the deaths and whatever else we felt was traumatizing us. sigh. long story short, nearly everyone wept with fatigue, guilt, anger and plain ol' burnout. these were all noted and told that they would be kept confidential. whatever. after it was over, one of them went to our supervisor and basically spelled out what happened. when it was my turn to speak, i spoke my mind. i said i hate, ABSOLUTELY HATE, being told i am responsible for someone's life to the extent that if they decide to jump off of a building - I am held accountable. it's a HORRIBLE feeling and i'm sick of it. i also opened up about the time i had to sit in one of those reviews because one of my client's was found dead in his apartment. i was pretty grilled, as was the person who prescribed his meds, and i said that i walked out of that meeting thinking, "wow, i'm glad i documented my outreach attempts". i told the group that i couldn't believe that the death of this man produced that thought! i said i couldn't believe how cold and callous i had become and this happened only two months after i was hired! so, we all broke down and slept walked through the rest of the day. that itself being another complaint i voiced: our clients get so much lip service from everyone else in the world, i feel bad that i can barely be present for them in my interactions with them, yet, that's the only way i've survived. i give my 75%. so during our last staff meeting, all of the sudden, someone needed to go assess someone to send them to the hospital. i'll spare the detail, but to say that this is a LONG process that essentially takes away someone's civil rights and sends them off to the hospital for further treatment. well i had the misfortune of having driven to work so i was volunteered. i entered the most DISGUSTING apartment you could imagine. broken glass on the floor; clothes everywhere; feces smeared on the floor...it was disturbing to say the least. anyway, we called the cops and then escorted her to the hospital and me and her case manager followed...oh yeah! it wasn't even my client! so i was done after that. i thought (stupidly) i'd try some retail therapy. i went to lloyd center. ugh. i bought an earpiece for my cell though -i've apparently been breaking the law using the phone w/my hands while driving. i didn't know! so then i go over to goodwill to see if i can score. i did! cute shirt, i go to the counter reach for my debit card and OOPS! i left it in the mall. i said fuck and shit so many times...i go back to the store and the guy luckily had it. i go back to goodwill because it really was a cute shirt and i'm DONE. i decided to take myself to dinner - sushi- but i did NOT want to go anywhere the least bit crowded so i headed to division. well it wasn't crowded but it took half an hour to get two rolls. why.did.i.even.think.that.this.would.have.been.a.good.idea.? i don't know - i've been called stupid a couple of times. so i decided to just call it a day and come home. i knew i wouldn't speak to my boy because he was working til 10pm and i was TIRED so i just called and left a message wishing him a good night. well he called and woke me an hour later. in hindsight, answering the phone was a bad idea. oh and did i mention when i got home i spent about 45 minutes speaking to my roommate, who was in tears, about her horrible day? i just should've known "the most horrible day of the year"would have extended to j also. he was PISSED. he was at work an hour and a half past his quitting time and had lost several important items for his job. he spent the entire 3 minute conversation huffing and swearing. this is odd for j so i just shut up and let him vent. i did make the mistake of trying to backtrack with him...sigh....he was all, "no, i don't even want to talk about it. i'm ANNOYED!" i almost said, "well, why the hell did you call me then?" i never call people when i'm in the bitchiest mood i've ever experienced! so as i was formulating that thought, he said, "i just wanted to call because i had to tell you good night". he saved his ass with sweetness. i just felt right back to sleep, glad that the day was actually over. good riddance.
luckily, yesterday was a lot better but i'll have to write about that later. i'm off to play scrabble! yes!
all of that said, i think the week preceeding today was one of the shittiest i've experienced here in portland. i hate to write bitchy recountings but this week was one for the books. i suppose monday started well enough. i did aerobics, had sushi with e,k and d and then danced my ass off with March Fourth. i swear, that's a great time at a great price. so, anyway, there is no specific event that characterizes the rest of the week as "shitty" but it was feeling shared by most i've spoken to. particulary horrible was thursday. EVERY ONE i spoke to was in some sort of bitchy mood/crisis/sad state just whatever. i hate to ever include work in that category because it is almost always like that but that specific day was AW-FUL.
thursday. i arrive at work about fifteen minutes late, as i've taken to doing. work on thursdays is usually a bitch because first we have a half hour staff meeting. then i'm doing screenings for potential new clients for the next three hours and then at 3pm we have another TWO HOUR staff meeting. well on this thursday we had a special hour long meeting after the first staff meeting. the purpose was for our team to 'debrief and process' with two "workplace trauma" staff. we have had a number of clients die recently and the toll on us was showing. after a death at our clinic, the client's case manager is required to gather a number of personnel together in order to go over the client's case. the "idea" is to administratively review how the case was handled with "no judgement". in reality, it's a scrutiny of our work. "what did you do?" "what could you have done better?" this does not feel good and truthfully, as the case manager you walk out with a sense of failure and immense guilt. sucks. so anyway, back to thursday, we were given the opportunity (sans supervisors) to talk about our feelings about the deaths and whatever else we felt was traumatizing us. sigh. long story short, nearly everyone wept with fatigue, guilt, anger and plain ol' burnout. these were all noted and told that they would be kept confidential. whatever. after it was over, one of them went to our supervisor and basically spelled out what happened. when it was my turn to speak, i spoke my mind. i said i hate, ABSOLUTELY HATE, being told i am responsible for someone's life to the extent that if they decide to jump off of a building - I am held accountable. it's a HORRIBLE feeling and i'm sick of it. i also opened up about the time i had to sit in one of those reviews because one of my client's was found dead in his apartment. i was pretty grilled, as was the person who prescribed his meds, and i said that i walked out of that meeting thinking, "wow, i'm glad i documented my outreach attempts". i told the group that i couldn't believe that the death of this man produced that thought! i said i couldn't believe how cold and callous i had become and this happened only two months after i was hired! so, we all broke down and slept walked through the rest of the day. that itself being another complaint i voiced: our clients get so much lip service from everyone else in the world, i feel bad that i can barely be present for them in my interactions with them, yet, that's the only way i've survived. i give my 75%. so during our last staff meeting, all of the sudden, someone needed to go assess someone to send them to the hospital. i'll spare the detail, but to say that this is a LONG process that essentially takes away someone's civil rights and sends them off to the hospital for further treatment. well i had the misfortune of having driven to work so i was volunteered. i entered the most DISGUSTING apartment you could imagine. broken glass on the floor; clothes everywhere; feces smeared on the floor...it was disturbing to say the least. anyway, we called the cops and then escorted her to the hospital and me and her case manager followed...oh yeah! it wasn't even my client! so i was done after that. i thought (stupidly) i'd try some retail therapy. i went to lloyd center. ugh. i bought an earpiece for my cell though -i've apparently been breaking the law using the phone w/my hands while driving. i didn't know! so then i go over to goodwill to see if i can score. i did! cute shirt, i go to the counter reach for my debit card and OOPS! i left it in the mall. i said fuck and shit so many times...i go back to the store and the guy luckily had it. i go back to goodwill because it really was a cute shirt and i'm DONE. i decided to take myself to dinner - sushi- but i did NOT want to go anywhere the least bit crowded so i headed to division. well it wasn't crowded but it took half an hour to get two rolls. why.did.i.even.think.that.this.would.have.been.a.good.idea.? i don't know - i've been called stupid a couple of times. so i decided to just call it a day and come home. i knew i wouldn't speak to my boy because he was working til 10pm and i was TIRED so i just called and left a message wishing him a good night. well he called and woke me an hour later. in hindsight, answering the phone was a bad idea. oh and did i mention when i got home i spent about 45 minutes speaking to my roommate, who was in tears, about her horrible day? i just should've known "the most horrible day of the year"would have extended to j also. he was PISSED. he was at work an hour and a half past his quitting time and had lost several important items for his job. he spent the entire 3 minute conversation huffing and swearing. this is odd for j so i just shut up and let him vent. i did make the mistake of trying to backtrack with him...sigh....he was all, "no, i don't even want to talk about it. i'm ANNOYED!" i almost said, "well, why the hell did you call me then?" i never call people when i'm in the bitchiest mood i've ever experienced! so as i was formulating that thought, he said, "i just wanted to call because i had to tell you good night". he saved his ass with sweetness. i just felt right back to sleep, glad that the day was actually over. good riddance.
luckily, yesterday was a lot better but i'll have to write about that later. i'm off to play scrabble! yes!
Friday, April 21, 2006
redemption
today was hella better.
i had decided that j and i would have 'stress free night' and i was going to plan something special for him. i did a lot of research and goggling and such and decided that i'd give him a choice. i told him "are you out or in?" he took that to mean was he in with the plan or not. funny boy. so he picked out and i said, alrighty...let's go.
i picked him up after work and headed to sellwood area. i decided we'd go to the driving range at the eastmoreland golf range. we hit about two and half baskets of balls, finally being able to properly relieve the stress of the day before. i have NO hand i coordination and so it was pretty funny (or so i'd like to think) to repeatedly watch me swing and hit nothing but air. i caught him doing the same a couple of times though. but i did get some good air a few balls and j did also. i personally detest watching golf and the whole golf culture, if you will, but it was a cheap way to get a few laughs and aggression out.
after that we headed over to a new thai place in sellwood. thai lahnna - really, really good food. they bill themselves as authentic and i would have no idea whether or not they really are but it tasted fresh and i got the 'mild' dish and it was still pretty spicy. the best thing about it is that it's one of these 'house restaurants'. i've never experienced that until i moved to portland and it's pretty nifty: going to a restaurant that's set in a big ol' house. it just makes for a cozier experience.
of course we then watched a movie. i'll review later. we were at his house and it was a nice night overall. complete cleansing of the mental filth of the day before. ahhhh...
i had decided that j and i would have 'stress free night' and i was going to plan something special for him. i did a lot of research and goggling and such and decided that i'd give him a choice. i told him "are you out or in?" he took that to mean was he in with the plan or not. funny boy. so he picked out and i said, alrighty...let's go.
i picked him up after work and headed to sellwood area. i decided we'd go to the driving range at the eastmoreland golf range. we hit about two and half baskets of balls, finally being able to properly relieve the stress of the day before. i have NO hand i coordination and so it was pretty funny (or so i'd like to think) to repeatedly watch me swing and hit nothing but air. i caught him doing the same a couple of times though. but i did get some good air a few balls and j did also. i personally detest watching golf and the whole golf culture, if you will, but it was a cheap way to get a few laughs and aggression out.
after that we headed over to a new thai place in sellwood. thai lahnna - really, really good food. they bill themselves as authentic and i would have no idea whether or not they really are but it tasted fresh and i got the 'mild' dish and it was still pretty spicy. the best thing about it is that it's one of these 'house restaurants'. i've never experienced that until i moved to portland and it's pretty nifty: going to a restaurant that's set in a big ol' house. it just makes for a cozier experience.
of course we then watched a movie. i'll review later. we were at his house and it was a nice night overall. complete cleansing of the mental filth of the day before. ahhhh...
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
the continuation...
ok i feel more firm about what i thought about the following movie...
sophie's choice. so what i decided is this: this movie is very well acted. written, i don't know but there are some stellar, emotional performances. it made even me consider meryl streep a good actress. this story, set in world war II new york, about a polish immigrant with a past in love with a brooklyn jewish man, with a LOT of issues, both befriended by a young southern wannabe writer can't help but be dramatic. as the truth about all is revealed it certainly feels like riding the whirling dervish - you're a little nauseated but feel you got your money's worth for the thrill. b+
sophie's choice. so what i decided is this: this movie is very well acted. written, i don't know but there are some stellar, emotional performances. it made even me consider meryl streep a good actress. this story, set in world war II new york, about a polish immigrant with a past in love with a brooklyn jewish man, with a LOT of issues, both befriended by a young southern wannabe writer can't help but be dramatic. as the truth about all is revealed it certainly feels like riding the whirling dervish - you're a little nauseated but feel you got your money's worth for the thrill. b+
oh my man...
i love him so. i wanted to type: i can't wait to tell him but no one is telling me to not tell him but myself. fear is keeping me from it and that is not good. hmmm...that thought just occured to me. i don't like that. anyway....
we just had a fantastic time! dinner and then a walk. we stopped at the school near my house and did a little play/fantasy/improv/acting type of thing. we tangoed and kissed. then we danced some more and pretended to be people from different worlds, one cold blooded and one hot blooded. and we kissed. i called him a tease..in character..but i meant it. anyway, then he kissed me in character saying that i could not refuse him then. i said- oh but you do not know the heart of a woman. that was deep...if you think about it.
our silly game seemed to get a little serious as he said his heart bleeds and it is cold and cavernous. i think he was a little serious. he's mentioned that before. i said, 'lucky for you i am very very warm'. i think we kissed shortly thereafter. yep, we gots it bad. i won't see him again until like friday or sunday i think. poo. 's ok though. for i am desdemona and my heart will forever beat for the man who is called alfonse.
*GRIN
we just had a fantastic time! dinner and then a walk. we stopped at the school near my house and did a little play/fantasy/improv/acting type of thing. we tangoed and kissed. then we danced some more and pretended to be people from different worlds, one cold blooded and one hot blooded. and we kissed. i called him a tease..in character..but i meant it. anyway, then he kissed me in character saying that i could not refuse him then. i said- oh but you do not know the heart of a woman. that was deep...if you think about it.
our silly game seemed to get a little serious as he said his heart bleeds and it is cold and cavernous. i think he was a little serious. he's mentioned that before. i said, 'lucky for you i am very very warm'. i think we kissed shortly thereafter. yep, we gots it bad. i won't see him again until like friday or sunday i think. poo. 's ok though. for i am desdemona and my heart will forever beat for the man who is called alfonse.
*GRIN
some fun now!
i just had the silliest date with j. we had thai at a very odd restaurant. i forget the name but it's on 48th and stark. WEIRD! even by portland standards. the guy says, "hello my friend! welcome to paradise! i'm jose, who are you?" and he seriously wanted to know. odd. so it got more bizarre. i was told to pick my beverage because it was "on the house". three great words for the cheap bastard in me. so then i hear the woman approaching my table (i'm perusing an apt. guide), "here's your appetizer on the house". i'm thinking SUPER! j comes and he gets the same welcome. well as we eat what we ACTUALLY ORDERED (pad broccoli and fried tofu) here comes the woman again, "here's sweet and sour soup...ON THE HOUSE" ok. it's nice but freaky. i'm thinking - what is the deal here. but no..it didn't end there. she came out AGAIN, this time with a plate of mango sticky rice and said (though i'm sure it's no surprise what i'm going to type), "dessert for you ON THE HOUSE". so, yes, that's: 2 thai iced teas, 2 salad rolls, 2 bowls of soup and a plate of mango sticky rice....FOR FREE! crazy! j thinks it was because it was the end of the night. i hope so! how else do they stay open?? so we did some walking around my 'hood, critiquing homes and such. then we played in the yard of the local elementary school. it was fun. i turned cartwheels..can't beat that.
Monday, April 17, 2006
i'm in!
as josh pointed out last night, we spent a LOT of time together last week. i mean i only didn't see him on tuesday and thursday. and we spent everyday this weekend together. that's intense! what i like is that he said, "i know you like this because despite what you may think i know you a little". he said, "for some strange reason you like spending time with me, i'm starting to question your sanity". i just laughed and it was because i didn't know what to say. he's right I DO love spending time with him. yes, the lack of physical interaction is bringing me down. i wonder if he finds me attractive but attending his church helped me realize that- NO, this is who he is. this religion saved him, as he believes and how can i not love that? how can i not accept and respect that when i KNOW how that feels. when i KNOW how it feels to be adrift and feel toxic and mean and nasty and without purpose - when i think of that i realize that i'm glad he has his faith. perhaps who he presents himself as to me would not exist or be compatible with me as i am now. we both had our separate and different 'religious' experiences. i am so grateful for my own - i find it hypocrtical in my thinking to not feel the same way for him. why? here's the thing: i love him. i do. i have googled the term, the question; i've read quotes and accounts and i've listened to people my WHOLE life extoll the virtues and joys of having love for someone in their lives. i've longed for it and prayed for it and waited nearly THIRTY YEARS (well really just 20 because i wasn't interested in this at birth) to find it and here it is. here it is. it has come to me in the form of a wonderful, goofy, silly, christian, intelligent, caring, wounded, gracious, kind man. 2/3 of those adjectives i have always desired in a mate and the rest- well- one never knows what one will get. so, yes, i have searched my heart in this past week and considered my life and what i want and i have come to the conclusion that: yes. i love joshuah caine pursley. i have realized that were he to ask me today to marry him i would say yes. i would hear SO MUCH SHIT but i know my heart. by now, i know it. it has been so broken and is bruised (i love that ani quote!) but it has been restored in just 6 weeks by this man. not to say that he's fixed my heart. no! i have done a lot of work on myself and living with the intention of love for myself and others. as i've done that - he appeared. he is my reward. what i struggle with is keeping my intention going no matter what may happen between josh and i. i am praying everyday for the strength to keep going no matter what because as josh said, "i can't promise you anything". he can't. there are no garauntees. this is it. just today. so, i can put away google (easier said!) and i can take many deep breaths and focus on improving myself and if i get to hear that four word question from him (will you marry me?) now i know what my answer will be.
THANK YOU GOD!
love,
eris
THANK YOU GOD!
love,
eris
Sunday, April 16, 2006
weekend o' my man
this is pure cheesy/stream of consciousness spewing. you are forewarned.
friday. not the very funny chris tucker and ice cube movie rather a day spent with j. we've been talking a lot about our careers. to be specific, we've talked a lot about what we don't like about our careers - mainly, that we don't like it. we basically do the same thing though he has a much better position, i think. so, it just so turns out the only other thing we both ever wanted to do was to be a lwayer. well, he said judege and i want to fight for the little people. as i say, "i want to work for the people not with the the people". anyway, j tends to be something of a dreamer (read 'pisces'), i, on the other hand, am pretty practical (read 'virgo') so wanting to be supportive, yet realistic, i decide that since we both have the day off we're going to go down to salem to visit willamette university to see what the place is really like. it takes us like 35 minutes to get there with me driving. we walk around on a self guided tour. it's actually quite a lovely campus. very green and even has a mini-willamette (the river) running through it! cute! so we wander around their legal center and peek into classrooms, etc. it was a good trip and i think it accomplished my goal of making the idea of going to law school a lot more concrete. we left and it took TWO AND A HALF HOURS to get back. crazy! anyway, it was my turn to pick where to eat out and i picked delta cafe since i'd heard so much about it. well, it was closed. so my next choice was tin shed. j was already cranky because he'd only had an apple in the last 6 hours. silly boy. anyway, it took FORTY FIVE MINUTES to go from SE to NE, restaurant to restaurant. i silently thanked God that there was an open table when we got to tin shed so we could eat soon - i think j's head would've exploded if he'd had to wait any longer for nourishment. this is why i always carry snacks. anyway, we parted ways after respectively giving/receiving a neck and foot massage. score!
the rest of my night was spent with m. she has quite a little scandalous situation going on! we spent three hours overanalyzing it - of course - and then i came on home.
saturday. i went to ab lab and it was ass-kicking, as usual. i came home and did...my taxes. great saturday fun. it was ok because the weather was horrendous. i had invited j to come over after work for a walk but because of the weather i decided to nix the idea. i realized i hadn't yet cooked for him so we went over to freddy's and bought stuff for lasagna. i made a fat and phat lasagna full of yummy turkey goodness. i prefer italian sausage but i used turkey sausage. i also prefer onions and mushrooms, both of which j does not eat. sigh. anyway, it was still good. it was mostly meat and cheese and really - how can you go wrong with that?! we had no veggies (yes!) and garlic bread. it was a wonderfully filling meal. so filling it was a bit painful to clean up the kitchen after eating but we did it and decided we needed to walk. well, since it was FORTY EIGHT DEGREES (c'mon!!!) we decided to drive up to mt. tabor and take a walk. we did and it was nice. we had a discussion about his tendency to be 'a six year old'. i think all men do that personally so that what you get when you date one. sigh. anyway, we came back and just sat and listened to the cd he made me. yep, we're exchaning music, watch out! so he made two actually. one fast, one slow. the slow one is the one i love. i've listened to it five times already in twenty-four hours. he even typed up a little blurb about each song. sweetie! so we parted early that night too because the next day was easter and he had two church services to sing at. i tried to stay up and watch "stay" but i didn't make it all the way through before i fell asleep. it's weird. review to come...
today. easter sunday. i was raised "in the church" as many of my people are in the south. i quit going when i was twelve because i decided i hated the hypocrisy and don't really believe in the bible as the text for my life. that's basically it. otherwise, i think church is a nice place. i think faith is a great thing. i personally believe in God, a "higher power" if you will, and i believe that this God is really love. they are one in the same to me. so because i believe that - i do not believe in a God with petty human attributes like - being vengeful, judgemental, punishing, needy, you know all that stuff. i have discussed this several times with j. it's our only conflict, granted, it is a big one, but this being the healthiest relationship i've ever been in, we keep the communication going. well, today i decided that i'd attend his church. maybe easter was a bad day to pick to attend because it's really about jesus (as church is wont to be) and stuff but it was also a safe choice because i knew what it'd be like. sure enough, there was lots of 'he has arisen, hallelujah!'. but there was the good stuff i remembered like the children's pagaent. oh they were adorable!!!!!! so cute! also, this was the MOST culturally diverse church i have EVER seen! j had told me that they were the unofficial 'interracial marriage church capital of portland' and i would have to believe that now. that was nice. lots of cute brown kids running around. anyway, i did enjoy how much music was performed. and i do mean performed. the actual 'sermon' was maybe half an hour long but the music was about an hour's worth. HUGE change from what i grew up with. the whole experience was much less, much, much, much less formal that what i was used to. the pastor didn't even wear a suit! my old church congregation would have been aghast. anyway, the nicest thing about it was that i got to meet some of j's friends. he has, seriously, met almost everyone i know in portland! it was feeling a tad unbalanced. so it was good to see some people. i even got to meet his infamous roommate. that's a funny man! so anyway, i had lunch with j and a couple of his friends. it was nice. it was hella long too - we were there for almost three hours! so j and i take off for a walk. we did the 5 mile east/west esplanade circuit. that was cool. then he bought us coffee at a little cafe on the waterfront. sweet! it was pretty romantic because it was just us in front of a little fireplace in these big wicker chairs. we talked about everything from the lasting psychological effects of slavery to water. it's always like that though. after that we went over to his place in gresham. i've taken to calling it "the 'sham" - dunno why, really. so we went grocery shopping for him at winco. i have to say - i have been converted. it's like 25% cheaper than freddy's!!! so then we had dinner. at dinner we decided we needed to travel together so we spent some time talking about where. we've decided on alaska, anchorage to be exact because he gets a yearly buddy pass from alaska airlines. sweet!! i have no idea when this will occur but it'll be a nice distraction because i WILL plan and plan and plan until i don't want to even hear the word alaska. funny thing is he's like that also. also during dinner we had a very serious talk about our different belief systems. i don't know how we got back on the topic but i brought up how i don't believe i'm (or anyone else) sinful. i granted him 'imperfect', certainly but i just do not believe in the concept of sin. so that started a big discussion about God and jesus and such. whew! it was good though. here's the thing - i said i could very much fall in love but i recognize that that means complete acceptance of all things about a person and his faith is problematic for me as i'm sure my lack of organized religious affiliation does bother him. then we were off...it got a little intense but we came to an understanding. we'll see. we moved on.
turns out we both have a tradition of eating A cadbury creme egg on easter. weird. so we were on the hunt for one. there were none in winco. none in safeway. none in walgreens. none in freddy's - well freddy's was closed. finally, we scored at albertson's. he's cute! i went back to his place and laughed and chatted it up with him and his roommate and decided i needed to bring my ass home. whew! what a day!
i have tomorrow off but i think i'll just go in late. it'll be nice to be there and just get work done. i have already changed my voicemail to say i wouldn't be in and i made no appointments so i really could get some work done....it's a thought except that as i type this i notice it's TWO in the morning. what the hell! i think i'll look up something about anchorage though....
friday. not the very funny chris tucker and ice cube movie rather a day spent with j. we've been talking a lot about our careers. to be specific, we've talked a lot about what we don't like about our careers - mainly, that we don't like it. we basically do the same thing though he has a much better position, i think. so, it just so turns out the only other thing we both ever wanted to do was to be a lwayer. well, he said judege and i want to fight for the little people. as i say, "i want to work for the people not with the the people". anyway, j tends to be something of a dreamer (read 'pisces'), i, on the other hand, am pretty practical (read 'virgo') so wanting to be supportive, yet realistic, i decide that since we both have the day off we're going to go down to salem to visit willamette university to see what the place is really like. it takes us like 35 minutes to get there with me driving. we walk around on a self guided tour. it's actually quite a lovely campus. very green and even has a mini-willamette (the river) running through it! cute! so we wander around their legal center and peek into classrooms, etc. it was a good trip and i think it accomplished my goal of making the idea of going to law school a lot more concrete. we left and it took TWO AND A HALF HOURS to get back. crazy! anyway, it was my turn to pick where to eat out and i picked delta cafe since i'd heard so much about it. well, it was closed. so my next choice was tin shed. j was already cranky because he'd only had an apple in the last 6 hours. silly boy. anyway, it took FORTY FIVE MINUTES to go from SE to NE, restaurant to restaurant. i silently thanked God that there was an open table when we got to tin shed so we could eat soon - i think j's head would've exploded if he'd had to wait any longer for nourishment. this is why i always carry snacks. anyway, we parted ways after respectively giving/receiving a neck and foot massage. score!
the rest of my night was spent with m. she has quite a little scandalous situation going on! we spent three hours overanalyzing it - of course - and then i came on home.
saturday. i went to ab lab and it was ass-kicking, as usual. i came home and did...my taxes. great saturday fun. it was ok because the weather was horrendous. i had invited j to come over after work for a walk but because of the weather i decided to nix the idea. i realized i hadn't yet cooked for him so we went over to freddy's and bought stuff for lasagna. i made a fat and phat lasagna full of yummy turkey goodness. i prefer italian sausage but i used turkey sausage. i also prefer onions and mushrooms, both of which j does not eat. sigh. anyway, it was still good. it was mostly meat and cheese and really - how can you go wrong with that?! we had no veggies (yes!) and garlic bread. it was a wonderfully filling meal. so filling it was a bit painful to clean up the kitchen after eating but we did it and decided we needed to walk. well, since it was FORTY EIGHT DEGREES (c'mon!!!) we decided to drive up to mt. tabor and take a walk. we did and it was nice. we had a discussion about his tendency to be 'a six year old'. i think all men do that personally so that what you get when you date one. sigh. anyway, we came back and just sat and listened to the cd he made me. yep, we're exchaning music, watch out! so he made two actually. one fast, one slow. the slow one is the one i love. i've listened to it five times already in twenty-four hours. he even typed up a little blurb about each song. sweetie! so we parted early that night too because the next day was easter and he had two church services to sing at. i tried to stay up and watch "stay" but i didn't make it all the way through before i fell asleep. it's weird. review to come...
today. easter sunday. i was raised "in the church" as many of my people are in the south. i quit going when i was twelve because i decided i hated the hypocrisy and don't really believe in the bible as the text for my life. that's basically it. otherwise, i think church is a nice place. i think faith is a great thing. i personally believe in God, a "higher power" if you will, and i believe that this God is really love. they are one in the same to me. so because i believe that - i do not believe in a God with petty human attributes like - being vengeful, judgemental, punishing, needy, you know all that stuff. i have discussed this several times with j. it's our only conflict, granted, it is a big one, but this being the healthiest relationship i've ever been in, we keep the communication going. well, today i decided that i'd attend his church. maybe easter was a bad day to pick to attend because it's really about jesus (as church is wont to be) and stuff but it was also a safe choice because i knew what it'd be like. sure enough, there was lots of 'he has arisen, hallelujah!'. but there was the good stuff i remembered like the children's pagaent. oh they were adorable!!!!!! so cute! also, this was the MOST culturally diverse church i have EVER seen! j had told me that they were the unofficial 'interracial marriage church capital of portland' and i would have to believe that now. that was nice. lots of cute brown kids running around. anyway, i did enjoy how much music was performed. and i do mean performed. the actual 'sermon' was maybe half an hour long but the music was about an hour's worth. HUGE change from what i grew up with. the whole experience was much less, much, much, much less formal that what i was used to. the pastor didn't even wear a suit! my old church congregation would have been aghast. anyway, the nicest thing about it was that i got to meet some of j's friends. he has, seriously, met almost everyone i know in portland! it was feeling a tad unbalanced. so it was good to see some people. i even got to meet his infamous roommate. that's a funny man! so anyway, i had lunch with j and a couple of his friends. it was nice. it was hella long too - we were there for almost three hours! so j and i take off for a walk. we did the 5 mile east/west esplanade circuit. that was cool. then he bought us coffee at a little cafe on the waterfront. sweet! it was pretty romantic because it was just us in front of a little fireplace in these big wicker chairs. we talked about everything from the lasting psychological effects of slavery to water. it's always like that though. after that we went over to his place in gresham. i've taken to calling it "the 'sham" - dunno why, really. so we went grocery shopping for him at winco. i have to say - i have been converted. it's like 25% cheaper than freddy's!!! so then we had dinner. at dinner we decided we needed to travel together so we spent some time talking about where. we've decided on alaska, anchorage to be exact because he gets a yearly buddy pass from alaska airlines. sweet!! i have no idea when this will occur but it'll be a nice distraction because i WILL plan and plan and plan until i don't want to even hear the word alaska. funny thing is he's like that also. also during dinner we had a very serious talk about our different belief systems. i don't know how we got back on the topic but i brought up how i don't believe i'm (or anyone else) sinful. i granted him 'imperfect', certainly but i just do not believe in the concept of sin. so that started a big discussion about God and jesus and such. whew! it was good though. here's the thing - i said i could very much fall in love but i recognize that that means complete acceptance of all things about a person and his faith is problematic for me as i'm sure my lack of organized religious affiliation does bother him. then we were off...it got a little intense but we came to an understanding. we'll see. we moved on.
turns out we both have a tradition of eating A cadbury creme egg on easter. weird. so we were on the hunt for one. there were none in winco. none in safeway. none in walgreens. none in freddy's - well freddy's was closed. finally, we scored at albertson's. he's cute! i went back to his place and laughed and chatted it up with him and his roommate and decided i needed to bring my ass home. whew! what a day!
i have tomorrow off but i think i'll just go in late. it'll be nice to be there and just get work done. i have already changed my voicemail to say i wouldn't be in and i made no appointments so i really could get some work done....it's a thought except that as i type this i notice it's TWO in the morning. what the hell! i think i'll look up something about anchorage though....
Monday, April 10, 2006
you're so sweet!
i say that to j a lot and he HATES it thus, i say that to j a lot.
anyway, yesterday we had a great night and he just dropped me off with a lame hug. i wrote him after he left and said - i wanted to kiss you. we're both...stupid. anyway, he calls today and he says he has something to give me. well, i totallly knew he was coming over to smooch. he did that BUT he also brought the dog, riley, that he's dog-sitting. BONUS! so we took riley to mt. tabor and had a nice little walk. it was so sweet and i called him that 's' word again. sighs.
uh, yeah, i saw some movies via netflix too.
sophie's choice. truthfully, i have no idea how i feel about this movie. i reserve comment until i figure it out. i will say that i put it in the queue because i was told by quite a few people that i needed to see it. to each person i responded, "but i don't like meryl streep. AT. ALL." and to which they replied, "but you will like this movie!" well i'm not sure they're right but i'm not sure they're wrong either. it was just a lot for one movie....to be continued....
a day without a mexican. GREAT premise, not so great movie. actually i almost typed horrible but it wasn't that bad. there were parts where i actually even laughed. it was one of those movies in which you know what they want to do but they are failing...you know? this usually happens in spoofs, satires, parodies. sometimes, serious is better. the racism and even indifference shown to latinos/hispanics/chicanos/spanish speaking people in this country is pretty serious after all. c.
anyway, yesterday we had a great night and he just dropped me off with a lame hug. i wrote him after he left and said - i wanted to kiss you. we're both...stupid. anyway, he calls today and he says he has something to give me. well, i totallly knew he was coming over to smooch. he did that BUT he also brought the dog, riley, that he's dog-sitting. BONUS! so we took riley to mt. tabor and had a nice little walk. it was so sweet and i called him that 's' word again. sighs.
uh, yeah, i saw some movies via netflix too.
sophie's choice. truthfully, i have no idea how i feel about this movie. i reserve comment until i figure it out. i will say that i put it in the queue because i was told by quite a few people that i needed to see it. to each person i responded, "but i don't like meryl streep. AT. ALL." and to which they replied, "but you will like this movie!" well i'm not sure they're right but i'm not sure they're wrong either. it was just a lot for one movie....to be continued....
a day without a mexican. GREAT premise, not so great movie. actually i almost typed horrible but it wasn't that bad. there were parts where i actually even laughed. it was one of those movies in which you know what they want to do but they are failing...you know? this usually happens in spoofs, satires, parodies. sometimes, serious is better. the racism and even indifference shown to latinos/hispanics/chicanos/spanish speaking people in this country is pretty serious after all. c.
Sunday, April 9, 2006
"'s good"
well due to my spontaneous visit to j last night i was able to grab some of his time today. yes! i just never know what he's doing on sundays. that whole church thing. i miss my waffle church. sniff.
so we hung out, caught a movie (review to follow this musing) and had dinner. ok, we have this system in which we alternate paying for meals. the rule, though, is that the person NOT paying has to pick where to eat. that's nice and fair, right? well tonight was his turn to pay. i say, "hey, i keep hearing about that delta cafe place and you know they supposedly have great catfish" he's all, "i don't want catfish". i'm all, "ok, well i have surprise for you - i'm willing to eat thai food again (another story)". he's all, "that's great!" so i whip out the willamette week's cheap eats guide and i pick thai noon. we get to the place and he's all, "oh my god this is it! THIS IS THE ONE THAI RESTAURANT IN ALL OF PORTLAND THAT I DON'T LIKE". emphasis is mine. i mean, there are about 1000 thai restaurants in portland, seriously! there probably are! so anyway i sigh. i say, "ok , so...." i don't even finish the sentence before he's all, "let me just take you to monsoon". he's been DYING to get me to monsoon - he eats there like at least once a week. the waitress friggin' knew him. that's my boyfriend. lucky for him i'd been there before and find their salad rolls a work of art. i had a yellow shrimp curry that i could've cried over. his pad see you (forgive the spelling, please!) was amazing too. oh, wait, i like reviewing movies, not restaurants. but i am so picking where we eat next time.
tsotsi. listen, there is no need to go into the movie details. this is an excellent movie. by far the best movie i've seen all year. yes, i know it's only april but i'm sure it will remain in that spot for some time. though i hate to say it - there's a reason it won best foreign language oscar this year.(and it's playing at cinemagic, c'mon!) a+
so we hung out, caught a movie (review to follow this musing) and had dinner. ok, we have this system in which we alternate paying for meals. the rule, though, is that the person NOT paying has to pick where to eat. that's nice and fair, right? well tonight was his turn to pay. i say, "hey, i keep hearing about that delta cafe place and you know they supposedly have great catfish" he's all, "i don't want catfish". i'm all, "ok, well i have surprise for you - i'm willing to eat thai food again (another story)". he's all, "that's great!" so i whip out the willamette week's cheap eats guide and i pick thai noon. we get to the place and he's all, "oh my god this is it! THIS IS THE ONE THAI RESTAURANT IN ALL OF PORTLAND THAT I DON'T LIKE". emphasis is mine. i mean, there are about 1000 thai restaurants in portland, seriously! there probably are! so anyway i sigh. i say, "ok , so...." i don't even finish the sentence before he's all, "let me just take you to monsoon". he's been DYING to get me to monsoon - he eats there like at least once a week. the waitress friggin' knew him. that's my boyfriend. lucky for him i'd been there before and find their salad rolls a work of art. i had a yellow shrimp curry that i could've cried over. his pad see you (forgive the spelling, please!) was amazing too. oh, wait, i like reviewing movies, not restaurants. but i am so picking where we eat next time.
tsotsi. listen, there is no need to go into the movie details. this is an excellent movie. by far the best movie i've seen all year. yes, i know it's only april but i'm sure it will remain in that spot for some time. though i hate to say it - there's a reason it won best foreign language oscar this year.(and it's playing at cinemagic, c'mon!) a+
Saturday, April 8, 2006
stellar!
today was pretty nice, in vamosalcine terms. i checked out TWO flicks.
lucky number slevin. i still maintain that no one else does 'creepy, manical killer' like bruce willis. especially bruce willis with a hair piece. ~shudder~. anyway, this movie has said actor in said role. actually, this movie has a lot of actors in pretty cliched roles: josh hartnett is a happy go lucky smart ass who must be hiding something; lucy liu is the quirky yet incredibly intelligent and impossibly fast talker girl next door, literally; morgan freeman and ben kingsley are the elder, rival, sage bad ass gangsters. it all works though. d described the movie to me as "it's kind of a pulp fiction, fight club ...in that genre sort of thing". she was spot on. watching the plot (which has nothing new in it and really what movie does???) unravel is a great way to spend two hours on a rainy day in portland. it's true, no matter how....awkward the title may be.a-
thank you for smoking. i was expecting to be ambivalent about this movie. i purposefully read no reviews but allowed myself to read the plot summary on imdb. well, i am not ambivalent. i truly enjoyed every minute of this film. that's not common for me - kind of like the rare CD i can listen to EVERY song on. this was another ensemble film. aaron eckhart was just superb as the "big tobacco lobbyist with flexible morals". william h. macy is great in his role as the senator from vermont wanting to place a skull and crossbones and the word: POISON on every pack of cigarettes. whether you smoke or not, i think all will enjoy this look at the morality of cigarette advertisement and this habit's pervasive nature in our culture. i even liked katie holmes' 'go to any lengths to get a story' reporter role...that's saying something! a
so i spent my day in theatres downtown. i got out and decided to bop along to powell's. i heart powell's so much! so i also decide to surprise my sweetie since i knew he'd be getting off of work soon. i picked up two hot chocolates and stalked the building. the look on his face was totally worth it. he was all confused. you know when you see someone you know really well but you can't quite place them or figure out why they are where you're seeing them? sadly, this happens to me often. anyway, he was surprised and grateful and that's all i needed. twas a good day. twas a very good day.
lucky number slevin. i still maintain that no one else does 'creepy, manical killer' like bruce willis. especially bruce willis with a hair piece. ~shudder~. anyway, this movie has said actor in said role. actually, this movie has a lot of actors in pretty cliched roles: josh hartnett is a happy go lucky smart ass who must be hiding something; lucy liu is the quirky yet incredibly intelligent and impossibly fast talker girl next door, literally; morgan freeman and ben kingsley are the elder, rival, sage bad ass gangsters. it all works though. d described the movie to me as "it's kind of a pulp fiction, fight club ...in that genre sort of thing". she was spot on. watching the plot (which has nothing new in it and really what movie does???) unravel is a great way to spend two hours on a rainy day in portland. it's true, no matter how....awkward the title may be.a-
thank you for smoking. i was expecting to be ambivalent about this movie. i purposefully read no reviews but allowed myself to read the plot summary on imdb. well, i am not ambivalent. i truly enjoyed every minute of this film. that's not common for me - kind of like the rare CD i can listen to EVERY song on. this was another ensemble film. aaron eckhart was just superb as the "big tobacco lobbyist with flexible morals". william h. macy is great in his role as the senator from vermont wanting to place a skull and crossbones and the word: POISON on every pack of cigarettes. whether you smoke or not, i think all will enjoy this look at the morality of cigarette advertisement and this habit's pervasive nature in our culture. i even liked katie holmes' 'go to any lengths to get a story' reporter role...that's saying something! a
so i spent my day in theatres downtown. i got out and decided to bop along to powell's. i heart powell's so much! so i also decide to surprise my sweetie since i knew he'd be getting off of work soon. i picked up two hot chocolates and stalked the building. the look on his face was totally worth it. he was all confused. you know when you see someone you know really well but you can't quite place them or figure out why they are where you're seeing them? sadly, this happens to me often. anyway, he was surprised and grateful and that's all i needed. twas a good day. twas a very good day.
Tuesday, April 4, 2006
i hear you...but you're wrong
so j and i had "the talk". i spoke my truth about what he had said to me. the crux of the discussion being that i felt he was placing me in the same category as "sinful things". another point i wanted to make clear was that i do not consider myself or showing affection to myself "sinful" - in fact, i don't believe in sin in the christian sense at all. so, i said all of this and he heard me and then respectfully told me that that was not at all what he was trying to say. he said a lot of other things that were pointed and respectful. it was a good discussion. we did not break up. we decided to give it a go and at a slower-emotional-pace. i don't know really how to write that. we did agree there neither of us could make a guarantee to the other about what we would feel in the future.
i am a little dazed still. i also realize that i'm PMSing pretty badly right now so i want to try and use the logical side of me a little more. logically speaking, i KNOW that i enjoy every minute i ever spend talking to or hanging out with him. i KNOW he fits all criteria i ever came up with for 'my ideal'. and i KNOW it feels right. but there's that 'f' word. feelings, fuck.
i'm exhausted now.
i am a little dazed still. i also realize that i'm PMSing pretty badly right now so i want to try and use the logical side of me a little more. logically speaking, i KNOW that i enjoy every minute i ever spend talking to or hanging out with him. i KNOW he fits all criteria i ever came up with for 'my ideal'. and i KNOW it feels right. but there's that 'f' word. feelings, fuck.
i'm exhausted now.
Monday, April 3, 2006
"the ants are eating your friend"
the three burials of malquiades estrada. in a moment of emotional distress i decided that i wanted to see this movie. i also decided that i wanted to try a new theatre (the academy theatre on stark & 78th) so off i went. about the movie: i heard a lot of good things about 'three burials' and i was uber curious to see the directorial debut of tommy lee jones. he's always been a favorite actor. i was not disappointed. a decidely non-linear plot takes four tries to get the story straight. (SEMI-SPOILER!) the story being the murder and subsequent attempts to bury malquiades estrada. the title character is a mexican immigrant hired by tommy lee jones' character to be a ranch hand. the two form a strong friendship complete with, of course, a day out with the town sluts (i don't use that word in a derogatory sense, they are two married women with pretty substantial roles). "mel"s death does some strange things to tommy's character as he sets about to fulfill his promise to bury melquiades in his home village of jiminez, mexico. the movie is a definite beautifully written (the same writer did 'amores perros') study of the american west, u.s. border patrol and the boundaries of friendship. boundary breaking/setting abound (uh, did i really type that?) in this great film. go see it. a.
Sunday, April 2, 2006
and just 12 hours later...
josh has broken my heart. tonight he tells me he created some stress in his head that has made him move faster with me than he's wanted to. that kissing me is bad and unnecessary. that, esentially, i am part of something not making him walk in obedience with his god. how, how, HOW do you tell someone that? how do you tell someone you supposedly care about that who they are casts sin upon another?! that is hurtful and i don't care what he may say from tomorrow onward, whether we are together or not, but i am so hurt that he would think of me in that way.
God, i have prayed to you many, many times about loving another. i suppose i really just wanted to get caught up in something 'magical' but that's why it's called magic and not reality. and I KNOW that sometime soon he was bound to say something that would hurt me. he said, 'i'm just afraid i'm going to do something stupid'. i suppose it's been done.
now, i'm thinking over all the things he's said like that. i've considered them 'sweet self effacing signs that he really cares about me'. how did i lose my edge??! why did i jump to conclusions? because i wanted to. because i wanted my web profiles to say "in a relationship" instead of single. i wanted a change from the status quo. i tried to be good understanding giggling girlfriend. maybe the stars are right - maybe something started under mercury retrograde is doomed. i really don't think so. like, i really do believe i love him in some new fresh way. i believe we are a good match. i just no longer believe in convincing someone else of that fact.
guess i should go change my web profiles.
i am so sad.
God, i have prayed to you many, many times about loving another. i suppose i really just wanted to get caught up in something 'magical' but that's why it's called magic and not reality. and I KNOW that sometime soon he was bound to say something that would hurt me. he said, 'i'm just afraid i'm going to do something stupid'. i suppose it's been done.
now, i'm thinking over all the things he's said like that. i've considered them 'sweet self effacing signs that he really cares about me'. how did i lose my edge??! why did i jump to conclusions? because i wanted to. because i wanted my web profiles to say "in a relationship" instead of single. i wanted a change from the status quo. i tried to be good understanding giggling girlfriend. maybe the stars are right - maybe something started under mercury retrograde is doomed. i really don't think so. like, i really do believe i love him in some new fresh way. i believe we are a good match. i just no longer believe in convincing someone else of that fact.
guess i should go change my web profiles.
i am so sad.
vamos a la playa!
so yesterday j and i spent the day together. 'twas marvelous!
we drove over to oswald west and did that little hike down to the beach. it was actually great weather for a change. however, the tide was WAY IN and there was no actual beach. so we hiked back to the car and drove into manzanita. cute town. we sat on the beach and just talked. actually, it was really really cold and we just kept saying how it was so cold and we should really leave and go eat. we finally did in time for it to start raining. ugh. we made it in the car before the downpour, thankfully. we then stopped at the tillamook cheese factory. interesting. or not. whatever. i had a good cheese sample. i don't think much of making cheese since i eat so little of it but man, is it a process!
we eventually stopped at a hole in the wall chinese place and enjoyed fried beige foods. yum. seriously, everything on both our plates was fried, save for my steamed rice. gross!
we made it back to portland and i was shocked he had never seen 'state and main' so i popped it in. he (appropriately) liked it. i won't review it only to say it is a fabulous ensemble david mamet film and everyone should at least try to watch it- you'll either hate it or love it but my bet is with love.
so, i had to let him go home eventually because he has church on sunday mornings. i still don't understand how i am with someone who goes to church.....weird.
well, off to brunch to celebrate t's new job. mmmm....french toast.
we drove over to oswald west and did that little hike down to the beach. it was actually great weather for a change. however, the tide was WAY IN and there was no actual beach. so we hiked back to the car and drove into manzanita. cute town. we sat on the beach and just talked. actually, it was really really cold and we just kept saying how it was so cold and we should really leave and go eat. we finally did in time for it to start raining. ugh. we made it in the car before the downpour, thankfully. we then stopped at the tillamook cheese factory. interesting. or not. whatever. i had a good cheese sample. i don't think much of making cheese since i eat so little of it but man, is it a process!
we eventually stopped at a hole in the wall chinese place and enjoyed fried beige foods. yum. seriously, everything on both our plates was fried, save for my steamed rice. gross!
we made it back to portland and i was shocked he had never seen 'state and main' so i popped it in. he (appropriately) liked it. i won't review it only to say it is a fabulous ensemble david mamet film and everyone should at least try to watch it- you'll either hate it or love it but my bet is with love.
so, i had to let him go home eventually because he has church on sunday mornings. i still don't understand how i am with someone who goes to church.....weird.
well, off to brunch to celebrate t's new job. mmmm....french toast.
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