i'm in!

as josh pointed out last night, we spent a LOT of time together last week. i mean i only didn't see him on tuesday and thursday. and we spent everyday this weekend together. that's intense! what i like is that he said, "i know you like this because despite what you may think i know you a little". he said, "for some strange reason you like spending time with me, i'm starting to question your sanity". i just laughed and it was because i didn't know what to say. he's right I DO love spending time with him. yes, the lack of physical interaction is bringing me down. i wonder if he finds me attractive but attending his church helped me realize that- NO, this is who he is. this religion saved him, as he believes and how can i not love that? how can i not accept and respect that when i KNOW how that feels. when i KNOW how it feels to be adrift and feel toxic and mean and nasty and without purpose - when i think of that i realize that i'm glad he has his faith. perhaps who he presents himself as to me would not exist or be compatible with me as i am now. we both had our separate and different 'religious' experiences. i am so grateful for my own - i find it hypocrtical in my thinking to not feel the same way for him. why? here's the thing: i love him. i do. i have googled the term, the question; i've read quotes and accounts and i've listened to people my WHOLE life extoll the virtues and joys of having love for someone in their lives. i've longed for it and prayed for it and waited nearly THIRTY YEARS (well really just 20 because i wasn't interested in this at birth) to find it and here it is. here it is. it has come to me in the form of a wonderful, goofy, silly, christian, intelligent, caring, wounded, gracious, kind man. 2/3 of those adjectives i have always desired in a mate and the rest- well- one never knows what one will get. so, yes, i have searched my heart in this past week and considered my life and what i want and i have come to the conclusion that: yes. i love joshuah caine pursley. i have realized that were he to ask me today to marry him i would say yes. i would hear SO MUCH SHIT but i know my heart. by now, i know it. it has been so broken and is bruised (i love that ani quote!) but it has been restored in just 6 weeks by this man. not to say that he's fixed my heart. no! i have done a lot of work on myself and living with the intention of love for myself and others. as i've done that - he appeared. he is my reward. what i struggle with is keeping my intention going no matter what may happen between josh and i. i am praying everyday for the strength to keep going no matter what because as josh said, "i can't promise you anything". he can't. there are no garauntees. this is it. just today. so, i can put away google (easier said!) and i can take many deep breaths and focus on improving myself and if i get to hear that four word question from him (will you marry me?) now i know what my answer will be.

THANK YOU GOD!

love,
eris