that i may LIVE again

dear god,

thank you so much. i was moved for some reason to do a lot of things lately that don't really make sense in thinking about them but i see where they are taking me.

you know i have always been a person of faith. a deep faith and feeling that someone or something is always watching over me and protecting me from myself. this feeling has been so strong lately. i have fucked up all over again. with the same things too: money, friends, food, sex. you have made that clear to me know and now i ask, no i beg, for your help once again. god, i pray to you to keep me from eating too many hamburgers. i pray to you to keep me from incurring too much debt, from caring about what others may thingk of my life, from myself.

thank you for josh. i see so clearly now that he is indeed, INDEED my perfect match. you have sent me someone who has walked the same path who IS WALKING the same path. who has come to a similar conclusion and we both love so deeply you. we both know that without you there would be no us. we both know that without you there will be no us.

i am humbled. i am truly humbled. we all know i want my lfe to be like a glamarous and happy ending movie and god- today you have given me some insight into how that is possible. i thank you god for you never ending mercy and love. you have always loved me. fat, poor, lying, drunk, sad, ungrateful me and i want o sit here today and type this letter to you asking you to please, PLEASE keep loving me. PLEASE keep me ever aware that my life- this life that i ridiculously bemoan at times - is the greatest gift. it is THE. there's no words really to express what i feel. maybe that's why i don't talk too well - my feelings seem restricted by the words i/we have.

thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you god for loving me. i love you. i love you god. it has been so hard fro me to ever think that you, god, needs my love. well, i know you don't but that i can say it. that i can feel it. THAT I CAN KNOW IT. thank you.

love,
always,
eris