so this is december and what have i done?

The end of the year: Holy moly! How the hell did that creep up on me so quickly? Eh, I suppose it’s the normal passage of time. 2006 has been ONE HELL of a ride though. I can’t even hyperbolize because it is so true. I have too often done a retrospect of my years and resolved to do differently. Eh, I don’t feel that’s helpful (at all) for me anymore. I try and do that daily instead. It’s going a little better.

Honestly: I don’t know what to say when people ask me how I’m doing. I know I’m over thinking the question but the truth is that so much is going on. I’m not good at being concise and I’m uncomfortable with complete disclosure. So I marginally share. I’ve been a marginal sharer most of my life. There was a brief period (and perhaps this is why I remember this time so fondly) from 2002-2004 in New York where I was balls out living. I mean, life was still rough: my apartment burned down, I had an abusive boss, I got mono, the flu, strep throat- so life wasn’t peachy keen but it was good even in the bad times. What I find now is that life is, at baseline, good. So that’s fine but when the shitty stuff occurs it just feels worse somehow. I’m sure it’s also age and my idea about what should be going on. I’ll get over it, I know but sometimes….

The amazing stuff is just the continued bonding with a group of truly amazing people I was lucky enough to meet out here as well as falling head over heels for someone. Those things make a huge difference and I’m eternally grateful for them.

Actually, a ‘friend’ once told me, after I was complaining about something, “you don’t like anything”. I was shocked and appalled but then I realized she was right…to an extent. I tend always towards wanting more. I don’t even mean materially – I mean something awful will occur like missing being evicted by one day and I certainly, instantly, become humbled and, I don’t know how else to describe it but still. Then it’s as if I’ve forgotten and little things will remind me to be grateful and accepting of my life like hearing about a family member’s illness or something. My ultimate goal: knowing I’m always alright to the point where I know I’m always alright. I used to wonder why my mom called me a perfectionist.

Wedding plans are shaping up. We’re going to get married in our living room. No, seriously. The wedding racket is unbelievable. Plus, I’ve always been more of a fan of the eating/drinking part of these union celebrations.

I won’t even get started on my lack of movie watching.