josh has broken my heart. tonight he tells me he created some stress in his head that has made him move faster with me than he's wanted to. that kissing me is bad and unnecessary. that, esentially, i am part of something not making him walk in obedience with his god. how, how, HOW do you tell someone that? how do you tell someone you supposedly care about that who they are casts sin upon another?! that is hurtful and i don't care what he may say from tomorrow onward, whether we are together or not, but i am so hurt that he would think of me in that way.
God, i have prayed to you many, many times about loving another. i suppose i really just wanted to get caught up in something 'magical' but that's why it's called magic and not reality. and I KNOW that sometime soon he was bound to say something that would hurt me. he said, 'i'm just afraid i'm going to do something stupid'. i suppose it's been done.
now, i'm thinking over all the things he's said like that. i've considered them 'sweet self effacing signs that he really cares about me'. how did i lose my edge??! why did i jump to conclusions? because i wanted to. because i wanted my web profiles to say "in a relationship" instead of single. i wanted a change from the status quo. i tried to be good understanding giggling girlfriend. maybe the stars are right - maybe something started under mercury retrograde is doomed. i really don't think so. like, i really do believe i love him in some new fresh way. i believe we are a good match. i just no longer believe in convincing someone else of that fact.
guess i should go change my web profiles.
i am so sad.
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