unsure

i am sitting here alone on the couch watching 'brothers and sisters' - a show i have never seen before in my life. i am doing this because my blood sugar is probably 200. i ate a pan of cookies. i ate corn dogs for goodness sakes. i am not able to understand why i keep eating. i ordered nutrisystem on friday. josh's excitement because of that was encouraging but also very insulting. i am not blind. i know i am fat. i have a front butt and big back butt. i have large boobs and a bit of a double chin. i sometimes forget  all of this but never for long. to see the joy in his eyes at the thought of me losing 55 lbs eventually was saddening. i didn't think it was that bad but it is. i don't understand how i've gained 17 lbs in two months! but of course i do- the burgers, fries, pies, cookies, etc. everything has packed itself onto my stomach. dear God, why!? i pray for help. oh well it's a daily thing. i am afraid for this nutrisystem thing because i can go one of two ways with this - follow it perfectly and lose a bunch of weight and then don't continue OR i will not follow it and gain weight. i would have to just, no i WILL just have to give it all to God. i need to ask for patience, i need to practice gratitude and being happy in the present.

the present is not feeling like a whole lot like a gift. josh is always gone. i mean we see each other as much as we did in atlanta but this going to bed alone 4 nights a week is lame. i either feel like he's a roommate or my desire is off the charts. it's wacky. i just miss him. i love his face and his thoughts and how he speaks. how he'll sound like the most macho misogynist or a little too effiminate. actually i don't like those things it's just who he is. i love who he is. how is it we come to love someone so much? this trade off is not fair. love and security and then one day...gone. i  don't why i think of it so often but i cannot imagine a world without josh in it. i don't want to. i love him so much and i want to be a better person for him. i want to give him so much and if weight is what he wants the most then surely i can give it to him. right? i don't think that will be enough though, will it? God can you speak to me? Can you help me please?

i cannot even think of work right now. i feel i'm not fulfilling some sort of movie-inspired sense of putting right all the wrongs done to african americans in portland. how arrogant! God, after reading this i hope you are laughing and touching me with your light and guiding me along this journey. i feel lost and hopeless and insecure and gassy and fatty. har.

my arms have broken out again. i don't know what that's about either. God please make me healthy for me and my love.
all of them. and may your healing touch all in my heart.