unsure

i am sitting here alone on the couch watching 'brothers and sisters' - a show i have never seen before in my life. i am doing this because my blood sugar is probably 200. i ate a pan of cookies. i ate corn dogs for goodness sakes. i am not able to understand why i keep eating. i ordered nutrisystem on friday. josh's excitement because of that was encouraging but also very insulting. i am not blind. i know i am fat. i have a front butt and big back butt. i have large boobs and a bit of a double chin. i sometimes forget  all of this but never for long. to see the joy in his eyes at the thought of me losing 55 lbs eventually was saddening. i didn't think it was that bad but it is. i don't understand how i've gained 17 lbs in two months! but of course i do- the burgers, fries, pies, cookies, etc. everything has packed itself onto my stomach. dear God, why!? i pray for help. oh well it's a daily thing. i am afraid for this nutrisystem thing because i can go one of two ways with this - follow it perfectly and lose a bunch of weight and then don't continue OR i will not follow it and gain weight. i would have to just, no i WILL just have to give it all to God. i need to ask for patience, i need to practice gratitude and being happy in the present.

the present is not feeling like a whole lot like a gift. josh is always gone. i mean we see each other as much as we did in atlanta but this going to bed alone 4 nights a week is lame. i either feel like he's a roommate or my desire is off the charts. it's wacky. i just miss him. i love his face and his thoughts and how he speaks. how he'll sound like the most macho misogynist or a little too effiminate. actually i don't like those things it's just who he is. i love who he is. how is it we come to love someone so much? this trade off is not fair. love and security and then one day...gone. i  don't why i think of it so often but i cannot imagine a world without josh in it. i don't want to. i love him so much and i want to be a better person for him. i want to give him so much and if weight is what he wants the most then surely i can give it to him. right? i don't think that will be enough though, will it? God can you speak to me? Can you help me please?

i cannot even think of work right now. i feel i'm not fulfilling some sort of movie-inspired sense of putting right all the wrongs done to african americans in portland. how arrogant! God, after reading this i hope you are laughing and touching me with your light and guiding me along this journey. i feel lost and hopeless and insecure and gassy and fatty. har.

my arms have broken out again. i don't know what that's about either. God please make me healthy for me and my love.
all of them. and may your healing touch all in my heart.

funny

i didn't catch the show last night but i just watched the tina fey reprise as sarah palin on SNL. she's kind of got her down, dontcha think? you can get back to me.

debate=two participants

that was my overall feeling watching the "debate" last night- it was as if two people gave lectures and there was so little interaction. actually i watched a rebroadcast after yummy sushi dinner. plug, plug.

i agreed with the many pundits who found mccain's straight up ignoring of obama ridiculous. i agreed that obama let mccain run over him a few times w/his inaccurate verbal steamroller and i felt an overwhelming desire to throw up my hands and say 'eh'. i don't know anything about technically scoring debates but it did seem to me a tie in the sense that both men presented themselves firmly though no one's argument really stood out.  mccain came off as very dismissive and obama seemed frustrated many times.

i hardly ever agree with analysis i read in the washington post but their summation from last night was about as accurate and objective as i've found.

november 4th cannot get here quickly enough.

black like me

moving to portland, oddly, opened me up to a group of black people like i'd never met before. here were women (and the one man i've met) who were not afraid to profess love for things like camping or disdain for things like being told 'you sound white'. it was, still is, quite refreshing. i'm being challenged though, internally, by my new position. i have such a ridiculous title - african american cultural specialist- it's hard not to think about what that means. i'm definitely over thinking but it's so odd i can't help myself. how is one a specialist on any culture? could someone who is not african american actually be a 'specialist'? so stupid. anyway, i'm at work just thinking about how empathic i can be towards people who look like me. i think what makes me a good counselor though is that i can empathize with most people despite their melanin level.  moving on...

i love the weather lately. anything above 80 degrees is not fun for my armpits or arms for that matter. i've been breaking out in the sun lately. it's a rash on each forearm and it has been going on for two years now. i'll have to go to the doctor--- when my insurance finally kicks in during november. sighs.

i saw 'The Women' this week but only because I couldn't stand the thought of being at home which is rare. Nothing else was playing at the time. My god it was awful!

when i had my first internship placement during grad school i met a clinical psychologist. i was working with her to run a play therapy group with 5 4-year olds. it was one of the most uncomfortable experiences of my life. the psychologist called me out she said i was what they would have called ' a slow to warm' kid. that is so true. i bring all that up (again) to say that i am still catching up to feelings brought up by this last move. it's hard to explain to people but though i feel 'settled' on the surface i'm still feeling a little sad. it's coming through in dreams- fighting and running way themes- and just randomly i'll feel a twinge. i'll think of my niece and tear up. i miss my family more than i want to admit, i suppose. today, i got a package from my mom - it was a WiiFit head band and wrist bands. cute, kitschy, definitely my style. it's all coming out in the wash but i guess i'm finally admitting it was in the wash to begin with.

this weekend should be chill. is it wrong to admit i REALLY enjoyed my 24 hours of alone time last weekend? nah, i don't think so.

"And two- where are my pants and underwear?:"

Hamlet 2. With much anticipatory glee, I broke my movie theatre film watching fast with a trip to the local cineplex to watch Steve Coogan star as Dana Marschz (the pronunciation is funny), a failed actor/drama teacher in Tuscon, Arizona. How could this premise possibly fail? Well, it did.

I suppose the premise is its own downfall. In the movie, Dana is putting on his own original play, the movie's namesake, in an effort to raise attention the closing of the drama department. The play is deemed offensive by, oh, everyone and Dana is forced to fight for his right to...put on an absolutely ridiculous play. Everything you think would happen does. SPOILER: the play goes on with many protests, the kids rally around him to encourage him to continue when times get rough, the play is a huge success and he goes on to win fame.

The best part was the actual staging of Hamlet 2. The play's premise was ridiculous but I found it fully enjoyable and, dare I say, touching. Elisabeth Shue (who stars in the movie as herself actress-cum-nurse) shed a tear while watching it and I didn't but it was the only time I laughed. The randomness just fell flat. I find it hard to beleive that anyone who believes in Jesus would actually be offended by 'Rock Me Sexy Jesus'- the play's main song- and I hope that people will mainly be offended that this comedy does not inspire laughter. D

political dribblings

so, of course, i have been staked out on the couch in front of the tv beginning at 8p this week checking out the Democratic National Convention (DNC) being held in Denver this year. i've watched michelle obama and hilary clinton. i've heard the speeches of bill clinton and joe biden.

tonight, i first listened and then watched Barack Obama make his acceptance speech for the nomination for President of the United States of America. simply put, i was moved. i have typed all of this out because it is, undeniably, one of the most poignant events of history and one of the things in my life i will never, ever forget.

i am not without objectivity- politicians have to be charasmatic and generous in their promises- but i am so awed and so impressed with this man. i am overwhelmed in thinking of those who came before him. when i think of people who looked like me and faced raging, debilitating racist obstacles to even cast a vote - i cannot (and quite frankly am unable to imagine those who can) help but feel a swell of hope, pride and motivation. i know, i know, i can hear the music cued and the american flag waving. BUT, and i'm not exaggerating, for the first time in my life i would not mind hearing or seeing that.

i wonder about his choice of joseph biden for a running mate. i am far from a political historian or analyst but it seems a little risky. i just pray it pays off.

here's to november!

(did al sharpton lose weight again??)

just a deposit of thoughts

watching the olympics...i was before we left town but down at my mother and sister's homes there was nothing else to watch but the olympics. you would have thought NBC was the only station on their televisions. it actually got annoying. i, as ever other person in america, cheered on michael phelps. i have tired of seeing interviews with him though i really wish him well. as a former swimmer, it's good to see swimming get some respect. i never can recall another time when people cared that much about it. it's been encouragement to seek out a pool. one thing i will say for georgia, they had wonderful, accessible public pools. i'll have to do some digging for Vancouver though i do know of one in NE portland.

speaking of, the trip to georgia went really well. it was the first time i've traveled down there, lately, to attend something that had nothing to do with me. thank God!! it was such a touching moment to walk into my mom's house and hear my niece literally screaming for me to come over and acknowledge her. she is definitely one of those huge pieces of my heart. from that point on it was just family hanging out. my mom threw herself a wonderful party! she didn't stop dancing for the whole 4 hours and i wasn't too far behind. i love dancing and i like to get out on floor. i seem to only go out dancing once a year but man when i do..i do it. i'm a bit of a dance nerd though and love the line dances. i like to call them 'the reunion dances' because they are guaranteed to get everyone at a reunion up off their butts. the electric slide is the perverted old uncle of these but it can still be fun. our family's current favorite is the cupid shuffle. that was too fun. they only blip of the night was what i'm going to refer to as 'the Low incident'. this is a stupid song by a guy who calls himself Flo Rida in case you don't know. regardless of the stupidity it makes for something fun to dance to. well, someone requested the song and that was fine. all the women (plus JC just long enough to smack my booty) were on the floor and took turns 'getting low'. then the song repeated and repeated and repeated for a full 15 minutes. i kid you not. that DJ knew he was wrong. despite that it was a lot of fun. every single person there was out on the dance floor at some point. during a pause, a toast was made to my mom by, first, well, my mom (that's so her). her siblings took the mike next and then we, her children. my youngest sister got so choked up with emotion she made a bleating sheep kind of sound that made some think she was kidding. before they could laugh though- she burst into tears and the mike was quickly taken away. it was sweet. that catchall 'good times' is really appropriate to describe the long weekend.

all of that said, i'm glad to be home. it feels more like home than anywhere i've lived in the last two years...wow, that's a long time.

merry go round

Today was super until I stepped outside of my apartment. I was all jazzed to take care of all that crazy car stuff you have to do every time you move. I'm damn near a pro at it now. Having had to register my car/get a license in four states- I know a thing or two about how this is to work. That is until I met the forces of the state of Washington.

I have about $800 left on my car loan so naturally the bank holds the title to my car. In most other states they recognize that not everyone outright buys their car and so they have a leinholder; they accept the documentation of this and proceed to give you a registration card. NOT good ol' Washington. I have to have the bank fax them a copy of the title. Damnit! So that's just another thing i have to do. I called the bank. They can process the request for the fax in three days. wow, great, thanks. i am seriously wondering what people do at work all day. why does it take three days to read a piece of paper and then fax a piece of paper? I emailed JC's 250 page book to FedExKinko's, notorious for their incompetence, and they had it printed and bound for me in 2 hours. I don't get the three days thing. Whatever.

We leave for the A on Friday morning. I am not actually looking forward to it. I want to see everyone but I know that following that there will be no more trips out there. I am just getting used to being back out here: adjusting to being the "only one" everywhere, giving cyclists wide berth, coffee shops; all in  all, it's great and I am so happy to be out here. I've just never been good at goodbyes and trips keep digging in the wound. I am just loving the view from my terrace right now. Everything balances out.